the revelation of sin

time to get a little sweaty

to sober up a little

time to clean up

to pick up the pieces

to start my life, to begin

to use those muscles in my fuckin face

to grin

and sin?

sin, it seems, is always around the corner

it’s always in the air, rising and falling

swinging and swaying

seducing me

i done spent half a holy month with my head in the goddamn gutter

trynna sit still in prayer

but it’s all spinning

aflutter

and it seems like i can give up everything

everything except sinning

it seems like the hardest thing to be lately is myself

because i don’t know who that is

or scarier still,

perhaps i know exactly who that is

what it entails

what sacrifices must be made

and perhaps im not ready

((perhaps ill never be))

but in the meantime i crawl back into my hole

i don’t know whether i hide to flourish or cower in fear

in any case, it is safe here

and i don’t mean to leave until I am good and ready.

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vomit

threw up all over the pavement

i kept walking

wiped my mouth on my sleeve,

hood up,

kept vomiting everywhere

on the sidewalk

in the bushes

on the cement

i threw up all over the pavement

like a thief in the night

under the black sky

one in each hand

i kept walking

wiped my mouth on my sleeve,

hood up

chin down

kept walking

cool summer night

stomach turbulent

mind swirls

around and around

spinning

and im vomiting again

im vomiting on the fucking pavement

it feels really good

it feels really freeing

release.

sugar 🍭

he’s faceless again

vanilla ice cream

hot fudge

and my tongue can’t contain itself

hoping there’s still room

for something new

nostalgia

death can be peaceful

it can be easy

but i must live

i must live to meet him

i must live

to kiss him

to feel it all

he’s faceless again

the future seems daunting

and i wonder whether i have the patience

im curious as to what’s he like

id like to know him,

i would

id like to know what took him so long

i wonder whether he’s been waiting for me too

whether he’s just as eager

to know what I’m like

who i am

what it means that we fit together

so perfectly

id like to see his face soon

he’s faceless again

he’s more mysterious than he’s ever been

into the night 🌗

i walk into the night

into the night,

into the darkness

i shouldn’t have pretended that everything

is fine

because it isn’t

it really isn’t

im scared

im drunk

and sad

and i wander

aimlessly

into the night

bent on breaking the promises i made to myself

bent on being everything

everything except good

inhale the smoke

cigarette after cigarette

sitting on my throne in the night

i inhale

i am bent on being everything

everything except good

i am miles up

and i fall

even though i promised not to

but it feels good,

plummeting

what feels like a hundred miles per hour

towards the earth

head throbbing

mind throbbing

heart racing

i gotta pee really bad

knocking on every door,

asking if they’ll let me in to take a piss

they’re not having it

none of my bullshit

i am bent on hurting myself

i am bent on feeling something

i am bent on feeling

i am bent on being heard

so i call everyone i know

anyone who’ll listen

to my bullshit

as i wander

aimlessly

into the night.

🌿🌸serendipity🌸🌿

the cool thing about life

is that sometimes things work out

maybe not exactly how you had hoped

and maybe not for as long as you would’ve liked

but in the grand scheme of things,

when you look at the bigger picture,

it’s difficult to deny that you’ve gotten what you’ve always wanted

it’s difficult to contest that you’re as satiated now as you could ever have hoped to have been at one point in time

because life can be serendipitous

it can be wonderfully charming in the most unexpected way

good things can happen,

great things can happen when you least expect them to

and i think it is important to be grateful

it is important, i think, to be humble

to know that we are small

i think it is important to acknowledge how little we know

how little control we have over it all

how we must experience the bad in order to appreciate the good

how we must overcome addiction and obsession in order to understand the intricacy of free will

how we must endure disappointment in order to feel the dazzling satisfaction of requited respect

it seems to me that every little piece of the puzzle,

every twist and turn along the way,

is apart of something bigger

something we’ll never quite understand

until perhaps, we are at the end of it

so in the meantime,

i think it is important to smile

it is important, i think, to acknowledge moments of absolute serendipity

as we travel further along on this road to discover truth about life and ourselves.

extraction

like this little piece of metal in my ear

i tried to force something sharp inside of me

something that was entirely too alien

to ever make itself home inside my body

i tried to force something

that i think i knew could never work

because i wanted it to

because it seemed seductive

because i thought it could be beautiful

but from the moment that the sharp metal pierced me,

my skin knew that something was not right

it knew that an immense pressure had been introduced

that this pressure would only grow with each passing day

with each passing minute

with each passing second

so long as i allowed the sinister metal to remain in the place that it had invaded

so long as i sat and watched as it started to bubble, and to boil, and to hurt beyond belief

until i couldn’t sleep on it

until i couldn’t sleep at all

because i knew it was there

because it haunted me

until its very existence tormented me,

until i couldn’t take it anymore

and ma was always right

i was pretty without it,

there was elegance in innocence

there was charm in the untouched

and she was right,

im wounded now

ive created a wound for myself that i hardly needed

a pain that was never necessary

but what remains clear is this–

the extraction is necessary

i mustn’t attempt to work around the source of my hurt

i must extract it from its very root, no matter how painful this process may be for me

and ma holds my hand as the sharp metal is pulled forcibly from my ears, skin ripped from where it had grown over the metal

from where my body attempted to defend me from my own vanity

pain, pain

but it is out now.

and i hold the cause up at the light,

i struggle and squint to see it, for it is truly minuscule in size

and i can’t help but chuckle a little

how can something so small cause so much pain?

how can something so slender steal sleep?

but it is out of me.

and where it was there’ll always be a scar,

where it was there’ll always be a gap,

where it was there’ll always be a reminder–

that i messed up,

that i was vain,

that i was naive,

that i was vulnerable,

but also,

that i survived.

fevered clarity. 🔥

i feel it

deep in my bones,

a desire to rise from the ashes

to finally live my truth

with my head throbbing,

throat sore,

forehead burning,

i am more conscious of what i am

than i have ever been

a final, ceremonious nudge into utter adulthood is imminent,

and honesty is beginning to percolate

into my soul

i am ready

to finally live my truth

to release my vanity

to relinquish my ego

and the thing is

i can still like myself

in fact, i think i can like myself more

that i can like myself right

that i can like myself independent of everything else

independent of everyone else

for the sake of it,

for the first time.

i can know myself

i can know what I am

the essence of me

independent of external judgements

of anxiety about their thoughts

of inhibitions regarding how I’ll be perceived

because i have this grand opportunity

I have the clarity to see it in all of its glory

i have a chance to wear the cloak of invisibility

i have the right to melt away, to slip into the shadows in whatever fashion i please

to rise anew, if i ever choose to return

i wanna live for myself this time,

i wanna find God.

i wanna enrich my life with the colors of truth

and i know now that i have a right to.