The Hamster Wheel.

how many times

until you’re satisfied?

how many sips

i know you’re terrified

how many bad habits must you try?

poison and boys got something in common

both wet your lips and make you feel good

and before you know it, you’re drowning

they don’t know any better

it’s what they’re made for

to get your money, grab your soul

to get some pussy and score

but you, darling daughter

why’d you take that bait?

why’d you get hooked on those feelings

why’d you sit there and wait

for the dopamine receptors to keep popping

for him to tell you he’s in fucking love

when you knew you’d have to crash soon

when you knew he was just trying to get some

and maybe you are a little bit lonely

out here in the vacant world

maybe it feels good to feel less

maybe it’s seductive to want more

but baby,

don’t end your life in jest

it’s a hamster wheel

that inclination you got

to want what destroys you

it’s an endless cycle of dissatisfaction

one that’ll only temporarily excite you

until it grabs you by your horns

until it shoves itself in you

until you don’t want it anymore

it wont think that’s an issue

get off that hamster wheel, darling

crawl up out of that watering hole

you got shit to do,

a life to live

you got time to recover

a couple less fucks to give

put that bottle down, baby

leave regrets to rot at the bottom of the sea

let them drown in your place,

know when it’s time to leave

step up off the fucking hamster wheel

you know it’s not getting you anywhere

be bold, have patience, be true

have the courage to be a little scared.

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tabula rasa.

im not talking to nobody ion gotta no more

im only keeping in contact with the ones that loved me when they ain’t have to

im only emerging from the shadows when absolutely necessary

imma be selfish with my time now

im not giving nobody nothing for free

not if ion fucking love em

not if they don’t make my heart smile

selfish with it now

with me

with my essence

because i know now that it is valuable

that it is indispensable

that it cannot be emulated

and i don’t care if it gets to be a ghost town around here

because i don’t need nobody that need to piss me off

that need to stress me out

that need to trivialize my fucking feelings

i don’t need em.

i don’t need no fake friends

i don’t need no mindless conversation

i don’t need no unnecessary noise

and it’s time i care about what i need

it’s time i give a fuck more about what i want

imma cut all the fat

on my body

in my closet

on my mind

in my life

time to live lean baby,

simplistic

minimalistic

don’t need all that clutter.

leave me alone with my thoughts

leave me alone to flourish

leave me alone to be at fucking peace.

im done catering to enemies with friendly faces

im done mapping out the nuisances in the kind of “loyalty” they demonstrated

im tired of juggling

and im just not willing to do it anymore.

so im not talking to anyone until i fucking feel like it

im not giving nobody that don’t deserve it the fucking time of day.

Tremor

Hand tremor,

I shake.

You did this,

how dare you bend what you knew would break?

Haunt me,

and I simply cannot rest anymore.

Broken,

this can’t be what minds are made for;

to scream and wonder and yell and knock,

to pinch and prod and snicker and rot.

And although I know

that sentience is a pendulum

that rocks and sways,

it seems there is a constant,

one thing that doesn’t go away.

For though my mind

will refuse to dwell,

will repress any memory (lest it begin to swell),

there is a constant,

a pesky remain,

it is my hand

— which continues to shake.

 

 

Phantasm

Down where my thoughts come to me in waves; smooth and coarse, gentle and turbulent. I’ve never felt lonelier, I’ve never feared myself more. I’ve never respected my right to be as much as I have been lately. I find shelter under the open sky, refuge in the emptiness that suffocates me. And I just wanted to tell someone about it– about the beauty, about the pain, about the nothingness that stitches it all together. I am here, nowhere, and I wanted to ask you about whether or not that was okay.

I guess things happen, and our interpretation of the world around us is nothing more than a mirage stemming from the universe inside us; we see what we want to. And whether we are whole or broken or dust or fire means nothing to anyone else and their reality. I am alone, you are alone, and I don’t think it helps that we face each other as we live in our loneliness. You cannot penetrate my mind unless I allow you to, only I live here. Only I live here.

 

 

Sway of the Pendulum 

Forgetting what it feels like to believe in magic 

To have hope 

To have faith 

To have the will to continue to live 

For the sake of it 

Because the beauty in that is evident

Because we have the ability to 

Forgetting what it feels like to want to 

To have aspirations beyond what is necessary 

Beyond what is plain 

Beyond what is easy

I am crumbling 

From the inside out 

I am perishing 

What I was is not what I am 

What I am 

Is gone