The Hamster Wheel.

how many times

until you’re satisfied?

how many sips

i know you’re terrified

how many bad habits must you try?

poison and boys got something in common

both wet your lips and make you feel good

and before you know it, you’re drowning

they don’t know any better

it’s what they’re made for

to get your money, grab your soul

to get some pussy and score

but you, darling daughter

why’d you take that bait?

why’d you get hooked on those feelings

why’d you sit there and wait

for the dopamine receptors to keep popping

for him to tell you he’s in fucking love

when you knew you’d have to crash soon

when you knew he was just trying to get some

and maybe you are a little bit lonely

out here in the vacant world

maybe it feels good to feel less

maybe it’s seductive to want more

but baby,

don’t end your life in jest

it’s a hamster wheel

that inclination you got

to want what destroys you

it’s an endless cycle of dissatisfaction

one that’ll only temporarily excite you

until it grabs you by your horns

until it shoves itself in you

until you don’t want it anymore

it wont think that’s an issue

get off that hamster wheel, darling

crawl up out of that watering hole

you got shit to do,

a life to live

you got time to recover

a couple less fucks to give

put that bottle down, baby

leave regrets to rot at the bottom of the sea

let them drown in your place,

know when it’s time to leave

step up off the fucking hamster wheel

you know it’s not getting you anywhere

be bold, have patience, be true

have the courage to be a little scared.

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🌿🌸serendipity🌸🌿

the cool thing about life

is that sometimes things work out

maybe not exactly how you had hoped

and maybe not for as long as you would’ve liked

but in the grand scheme of things,

when you look at the bigger picture,

it’s difficult to deny that you’ve gotten what you’ve always wanted

it’s difficult to contest that you’re as satiated now as you could ever have hoped to have been at one point in time

because life can be serendipitous

it can be wonderfully charming in the most unexpected way

good things can happen,

great things can happen when you least expect them to

and i think it is important to be grateful

it is important, i think, to be humble

to know that we are small

i think it is important to acknowledge how little we know

how little control we have over it all

how we must experience the bad in order to appreciate the good

how we must overcome addiction and obsession in order to understand the intricacy of free will

how we must endure disappointment in order to feel the dazzling satisfaction of requited respect

it seems to me that every little piece of the puzzle,

every twist and turn along the way,

is apart of something bigger

something we’ll never quite understand

until perhaps, we are at the end of it

so in the meantime,

i think it is important to smile

it is important, i think, to acknowledge moments of absolute serendipity

as we travel further along on this road to discover truth about life and ourselves.

extraction

like this little piece of metal in my ear

i tried to force something sharp inside of me

something that was entirely too alien

to ever make itself home inside my body

i tried to force something

that i think i knew could never work

because i wanted it to

because it seemed seductive

because i thought it could be beautiful

but from the moment that the sharp metal pierced me,

my skin knew that something was not right

it knew that an immense pressure had been introduced

that this pressure would only grow with each passing day

with each passing minute

with each passing second

so long as i allowed the sinister metal to remain in the place that it had invaded

so long as i sat and watched as it started to bubble, and to boil, and to hurt beyond belief

until i couldn’t sleep on it

until i couldn’t sleep at all

because i knew it was there

because it haunted me

until its very existence tormented me,

until i couldn’t take it anymore

and ma was always right

i was pretty without it,

there was elegance in innocence

there was charm in the untouched

and she was right,

im wounded now

ive created a wound for myself that i hardly needed

a pain that was never necessary

but what remains clear is this–

the extraction is necessary

i mustn’t attempt to work around the source of my hurt

i must extract it from its very root, no matter how painful this process may be for me

and ma holds my hand as the sharp metal is pulled forcibly from my ears, skin ripped from where it had grown over the metal

from where my body attempted to defend me from my own vanity

pain, pain

but it is out now.

and i hold the cause up at the light,

i struggle and squint to see it, for it is truly minuscule in size

and i can’t help but chuckle a little

how can something so small cause so much pain?

how can something so slender steal sleep?

but it is out of me.

and where it was there’ll always be a scar,

where it was there’ll always be a gap,

where it was there’ll always be a reminder–

that i messed up,

that i was vain,

that i was naive,

that i was vulnerable,

but also,

that i survived.

fevered clarity. 🔥

i feel it

deep in my bones,

a desire to rise from the ashes

to finally live my truth

with my head throbbing,

throat sore,

forehead burning,

i am more conscious of what i am

than i have ever been

a final, ceremonious nudge into utter adulthood is imminent,

and honesty is beginning to percolate

into my soul

i am ready

to finally live my truth

to release my vanity

to relinquish my ego

and the thing is

i can still like myself

in fact, i think i can like myself more

that i can like myself right

that i can like myself independent of everything else

independent of everyone else

for the sake of it,

for the first time.

i can know myself

i can know what I am

the essence of me

independent of external judgements

of anxiety about their thoughts

of inhibitions regarding how I’ll be perceived

because i have this grand opportunity

I have the clarity to see it in all of its glory

i have a chance to wear the cloak of invisibility

i have the right to melt away, to slip into the shadows in whatever fashion i please

to rise anew, if i ever choose to return

i wanna live for myself this time,

i wanna find God.

i wanna enrich my life with the colors of truth

and i know now that i have a right to.

GLORY.

the thing about love is that you can’t bottle it

you can’t concoct or brew it

with ingredients or meticulous thoughts

and the thing about people is that they can hurt your feelings

treat you as they may and not think twice about how you’ll scar

and the thing about friends is that it’s hard to tell which ones really are

about which ones love you and which ones use you, which ones wouldn’t look twice at the wounds that fester

and the thing about life is that it’s unpredictable

things don’t always turn out the way you’d like

and sometimes disappointment is left in the place of desire

and ice sits comfortably where fire once did

because the thing about desire is that it’s deceptive

no one is that perfect, you know that now

and satisfaction hardly exists, you say presence will be enough until you get the kiss

and you say the kiss will be enough until you feel his face, breathing down the nape of your neck

and the thing about you is that you’re fragile

you bend in the direction of your hopes

you break in the face of scrutiny

you wither in the presence of neglect

and the thing about monsters is that they’re always lurking

and they can smell vulnerability

like blood

and the thing is that you are strongest when you love yourself

when your body is your priority

when your blood is your own

when you are free

when you allow your vanity to cease

your mind to be at ease

your heart to be strong

your bond to family and true friends to be at the forefront of it all

and the thing is that this much has always been clear

chin up, darling, you’ve tasted sin

you’ve felt the fingers of desire

inside you

you have learned you are glory, despite it all

and all is not lost,

you have escaped with your sanctity,

your sanity,

your smile,

your blood.

and if anything, vow now

never again to let the blood escape your skin in vain

never to allow a monster near your royal likes again

chin up, GLORY.

purgatory

and now i don’t feel pain,

it’s anticipation

and although regret rings constantly

like a bell

it seems there is still hope for salvation

in the form of your beautiful mouth

in the guise of your knowing eyes

in the risk of redemption

that is where I dwell

But will you still want me, love?

will you still run your hands all over?

will you still wanna feel it?

will it feel the same when we’re sober?

I stand frozen, in fear

I trace my mind over possibilities

I can’t tell whether you’re moving

further, or near

The waiting is killing me.

Actualization.

God.

He wants to prove to me that

he’s there

he’s here

there is divine energy all around me

and it controls everything

that nothing is coincidental

that destiny has me wrapped around her

little finger

that i know nothing

because i know

that there was nothing

that I wanted more

than this.

and just as i began my departure

from my dream,

my fantasy

it walked up to me and looked me in my eyes

it sent chills through my bones,

it grazed my soul and made its way down my spine

delirium.

i am speechless.

i do not know what to make of this

nor what i did to deserve it

beautiful.

i am as whole as ive ever been

i am as complete as i’ll ever be

no more excuses,

he’s left me none

i look destiny in the eyes,

i am, as much as i am capable of being,

Actualized.