lost ones 🌎

and a moment of silence

for the lost ones

for the ones we had to shed away

to protect ourselves

to hide our true colors.

i wonder how you sleep at night

because i know i have loads of trouble

i wonder if you value life

i wonder if you struggle

with the sins you commit

with every second afterward

i wonder if you think it was all worth it

i wonder, if you too, feel the burn

the heat of vulgarity

the sizzle of deceit

i wonder if you feel it all around you too

this aura of defeat

i thought we were of the same ilk

cut from the same cloth,

what once seemed like silk

but all my fingers feel is dampened wool

my mind is throbbing, i’ve a shattered skull

i wonder if you feel this pain

i wonder if you do

i wonder if we deserve to see someday

but im afraid i must leave you

to protect myself

to hide my true colors

to conceal it all before it destroys me

you see, the art of lying is very subtle

so a moment of profound silence

for the lost ones

we sacrificed the glory that could’ve been

we lost our right to remain friends

we’ve both indulged in our fair share of sin

so our story must end the way it began

two lost souls, desperately searching for company

alone, once again.

Advertisements

swig

swig it.

take this life in gulps

push it down ya throat

beat your anxiety to a pulp

swig it.

that poison ain’t gon drink itself

so put your pride aside

burns going down, but you not gon melt

try and keep ya eyes open

try not to puke it all out

swig it, baby-girl

open up ya fuckin mouth

let your body dim some,

let your mind breathe

let your tongue cum, drop those lace panties

let it percolate, every single fuckin cell

run your finger over the words quickly,

don’t let yourself get down and dwell

swig it

you ain’t got much more time now

swig it all up in one shot,

sizzle dazzle, yummy ow!

the revelation of sin

time to get a little sweaty

to sober up a little

time to clean up

to pick up the pieces

to start my life, to begin

to use those muscles in my fuckin face

to grin

and sin?

sin, it seems, is always around the corner

it’s always in the air, rising and falling

swinging and swaying

seducing me

i done spent half a holy month with my head in the goddamn gutter

trynna sit still in prayer

but it’s all spinning

aflutter

and it seems like i can give up everything

everything except sinning

it seems like the hardest thing to be lately is myself

because i don’t know who that is

or scarier still,

perhaps i know exactly who that is

what it entails

what sacrifices must be made

and perhaps im not ready

((perhaps ill never be))

but in the meantime i crawl back into my hole

i don’t know whether i hide to flourish or cower in fear

in any case, it is safe here

and i don’t mean to leave until I am good and ready.

into the night 🌗

i walk into the night

into the night,

into the darkness

i shouldn’t have pretended that everything

is fine

because it isn’t

it really isn’t

im scared

im drunk

and sad

and i wander

aimlessly

into the night

bent on breaking the promises i made to myself

bent on being everything

everything except good

inhale the smoke

cigarette after cigarette

sitting on my throne in the night

i inhale

i am bent on being everything

everything except good

i am miles up

and i fall

even though i promised not to

but it feels good,

plummeting

what feels like a hundred miles per hour

towards the earth

head throbbing

mind throbbing

heart racing

i gotta pee really bad

knocking on every door,

asking if they’ll let me in to take a piss

they’re not having it

none of my bullshit

i am bent on hurting myself

i am bent on feeling something

i am bent on feeling

i am bent on being heard

so i call everyone i know

anyone who’ll listen

to my bullshit

as i wander

aimlessly

into the night.

hallow’s eve &parting grief

drunken clarity,

I know what I feel

whole room is spinning, 

I know what is real 

friendship and self-respect 

boundaries in limitlessness

you are crossing the barbed wire 

into the restricted, fiery depths of my desire 

and I cannot let you any further,

I cannot allow you to really know me, ever  
because I am not a second resort 

I am not what you can do when you’re bored 

I am far too much person for that 

I am far too well-versed in neglect 
so leave me as you came, smooth 

you were fascinating, intriguing 

a lovely thought in conjecture

you were everything, my darling,

all but true 

Eve: 2 Seconds Post-Bite 

I am made of mistakes and anticipation,

Of regret and hopes of salvation,

Of a kind of loneliness that won’t dissolve,

the kind of guilt that can’t be absolved

 

I am woven of timidness,

Of the inability to decline,

I offer myself to monsters,

In hopes they won’t oblige

 

Because I am scattered everywhere,

I lie in pieces, so thin

And I can’t recall a time content,

In a sentience that feels so grim

 

Yes, I am not now nor then

Nor will I ever be,

I float like dust particles in the air

(The ones that you can scarcely see)

 

And I hurt from the inside out,

I want to scream and cry

I want to be seen and heard and felt

But my body simply lies

My tongue lay limp in my mouth

My eyes submissively recline

I breathe and beg my body cope

But my stubborn lungs decline

 

I am made of paranoia and smoke

Of black thoughts and shame

The sort of jaded soul at which you poke

The sort that’s easy to blame

I am a blend of nausea and withdrawal

Of plague, sickness, and inconclusive reigns

I am a creature that howls and crawls

In the safe shadows under an onyx plain

 

And I am everything I vowed never to become

Everything I claimed to loathe once

I am she who’s pain I mocked before I dared endure

For though knowledge satisfies, it cunningly vanquishes the pure.

Chasing the Man in the Moon 

Something about before that spelled opportunity 

Like anything was possible 

As though nothing was too vast or difficult to conquer the way so many things seem now

There were no inhibitions 

Magic was as commonplace as its absence seems now

Hope echoed in the innermost circle of the Elysium that was our imagination, radiating warmth so that we were at peace inside and out 

And it is kind of hard to acknowledge that it all changed so quickly 

A moment, or some indefinite span of time,

What does it really matter?

The magic is gone 

And reality is here

The truth sharply jabs at us as we try to experience the happiness we once felt unconditionally in the form of an ephemeral high 

Daydreaming of the bliss

That’s the thing about letting go of the past 

It’s immensely more difficult to let go of that which brought us joy than that which was painful

Things are not as glorious as they could’ve been 

We have been stripped of opportunity 

Someday is here, and we have nothing to show 

We ran with all our might toward the grand, magnificent Moon, 

Hoping to witness him up close in all of his greatness 

Only to find a small white speck that we must squint to discern, his true form

The curtain falls, the charade is over

We look around and at each other

Even you look different 

Less patient, disappointment has weathered your soul 

The promise of Nirvana was as fruitless as the chase of the source of the light that we seemed to have made up inside our heads 

There is only darkness now 

Where do we go from here?