Damsel turned Dame

as my sanity slips away,

more of my hair turns gray.

my complexion loses its vigor

i don’t remember ever being this color

this ghastly shade of insecurity,

this ghostly state of impurity

for my mind wanders off into its own depths,

it thinks dirty things to keep the memories fresh.

i live off of thoughts that drive me insane

and enjoy my demise, for your absence

is a flame

the sort that can turn a poor damsel

into a ravishing dame

the sort that keeps me warm and alive

the kind that won’t let me avert my eyes

i am hurting, damp

i am lonely and afraid

i am a sinister tramp

the very tip of the blade

yes, i am sharp and pointed

i can do much harm

i am angry and startled

i am cause for alarm

I am a woman scathed,

I am a force of absolute terror,

I am at the lowest point in my life,

(and I have never been better.)

Advertisements

War

I don’t want it now

Because I don’t want it this way

I wanted you once

But I don’t want you today

Because you fucked with the flow

You wounded my vanity

You played with my mind,

You drove me to insanity

And now I feel like a fool

I don’t even have my pride

Nothing left to show

In the wake of my demise

And you’re cold, you’re stone

You have better things to do

I am a pile of ash

But I will rise, anew

And inside and out, I will be pure gold

I will glitter to the core,

I won’t be in your grasp anymore

And I will shine to taunt you

I will glisten to torture

For though weak in battle

In war, I am nothing if not resourceful.

Heartache

I come so close, it crumbles.

Right back to where I always begin, in pain.

Ripped tendons, torn ligaments,

Inconclusive goodbyes

Nothing I come to love ever seems to end the way I’d like.

I’ll convince myself of anger,

to rid myself of melancholia

I’ll distract myself with words,

to put off the torment I know I feel

everything aches

my body, my soul, my heart

things have gone very wrong

I’ve amassed enough heartache to keep myself writhing for centuries,

and such anguish is born when I realize that it was never meant to be

that I play tricks on my mind just to keep it alive

that I still hold him in my good graces in the deep of the night

that I willingly bleed incessantly, just to emulate the high

that I stand before the mirror and cannot bear to look into my own eyes

For I am shattered, broken, cracked, withered

I am lonely, insecure, timid, unsure

And of the whole person that started, all that remains is a sliver

She was innocent in her ignorance, my knowledge paints me impure

She was confident in herself, I don’t know anymore

She was willing to test limits, I stand frozen in horror

And so I walk away from my desires, heart filled to the brim with pain

I was destined for this ache, I must endure it with grace

hallow’s eve &parting grief

drunken clarity,

I know what I feel

whole room is spinning, 

I know what is real 

friendship and self-respect 

boundaries in limitlessness

you are crossing the barbed wire 

into the restricted, fiery depths of my desire 

and I cannot let you any further,

I cannot allow you to really know me, ever  
because I am not a second resort 

I am not what you can do when you’re bored 

I am far too much person for that 

I am far too well-versed in neglect 
so leave me as you came, smooth 

you were fascinating, intriguing 

a lovely thought in conjecture

you were everything, my darling,

all but true 

False Casanova

Backpedal,

For a moment, I forgot who I am

I forgot what I am worth

I forgot that I can stand

That I can run, that I bleed

That you are nothing to me

That I gave you an inch, and you took miles from me

 

And my heart is no plaything,

With which you can continue to toy

And you think you’re so slick in this game,

you think you’re so coy

 

But I am the Queen Bitch

I will forget you, quick fix

Like sand, you will dissolve

And I won’t even blink

 

Oh, you think I need you?

Think I can’t make it by?

Think I need you to hold me?

Wipe my tears, tell me lies?

 

Well fuck you and your delusions,

I will prosper on this throne

my body doesn’t mind the cold,

my tears dry on their own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tremor

Hand tremor,

I shake.

You did this,

how dare you bend what you knew would break?

Haunt me,

and I simply cannot rest anymore.

Broken,

this can’t be what minds are made for;

to scream and wonder and yell and knock,

to pinch and prod and snicker and rot.

And although I know

that sentience is a pendulum

that rocks and sways,

it seems there is a constant,

one thing that doesn’t go away.

For though my mind

will refuse to dwell,

will repress any memory (lest it begin to swell),

there is a constant,

a pesky remain,

it is my hand

— which continues to shake.

 

 

Transition//

Marlboro reds and spearmint,

some sort of cologne?

Had his arm around me,

why’d I feel so alone?

I think it’s you, I’m thinking about you

And you are the context,

the fabric of all that I do,

of what I think,

of who I am,

the very core of me.

And I keep breaking the rules,

over and over,

in the absence of you,

for you,

you.

And do you want me now?

You seem to want me now.

Now that I’m close enough,

to touch

Will you touch me now?

want to touch me now?

but I don’t know if I’m the same,

I think I’m quite different now.

I don’t recall,

where and why I began.

And now that you’re finally ready,

I don’t know if I am.