a pre-autumnal night’s dream 🧚🏼‍♂️

laying in the bathtub, drunk 

feeling ambitious right now

plus, at some point i gotta get up and out of this fucking slump

sitting on the toilet sobbing, drunk

laying in my bed, naked

holes and sleeves and denim?

nah, clothes are too hard right now

anxiousssssss, haha

texting you now

im texting you first, for the zillionth time

send

wondering whether or not i should’ve just done that

damn, only noon and the room’s already spinning

think i might really have little bit of a problem limiting myself

making other plans in case this shit doesn’t work out

out with ma, she loves me

she doesn’t know how shitty i am

i think she’d love me anyway

it’d break her heart though

and i can’t have that

sunlight feels nice, im talking way too much

i gotta forget

i gotta repress

i gotta feel less

yeah, i know

im a fuckin mess.

you texted back though

gotta sober up a little

you’re indifferent and its breaking my heart a little

walking around, looking for you

looked me in my eyes and told me you don’t love me

coldddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

so im drinking again

why are you back now?

why do i keep talking?

but you’re here

standing in front of me

sitting with me

walking with me

listening to me

im breathing you in

my baby broke my heart and left it to rot somewhere in the bushes

still, i’m under the impression that i’ll always love him

promise me something? 

i’ll let you go,

but let’s always be friends?

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RIP Larry Fisherman.

‘Be without fear in the face of your enemies
Be brave and upright that God may love thee
Speak the truth even if it leads to your death
Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong
This is your oath.’

             …

i am heartbroken.

admitting that has to be the first step to some kind of closure

and i don’t know if closure is what i need right now

but i know i need some morsel of order

because i keep fucking up

i keep reaching out and asking the wrong people to love me

to like me

to be around me and comfort me

because im sad

i keep denying myself good sense

i keep dying every night and rising from the ashes just to burn down and go through it all again

it’s exhausting

this is going to be hard

i gotta reject quick-serving pleasure

i gotta choose to please those who want more for me instead of being pleased by those that never really gave a fuck

the ones that were really only in it for some shits and giggles between shifts

this time, i think i know how to do it

and although im still not quite sure where the balance resides,

where exactly equilibrium lives

this time, im not going to give up trying

i will find it

and i think we might just be alright, thank God.

i think im gonna be alright, alright,

okay.

but i gotta work harder

can’t get distracted

because the future might just slip through my fingers

gotta make a life worth living for myself

for the ones i love

gotta keep to myself

gotta learn to hone good sense

to stay present

to learn to live and live to learn

to want things just because i want them and not because i don’t think i deserve them

i gotta know im worthy

that im beautiful, just like this

that i don’t need anybody else to think well of me in order to think well of myself

that i don’t need anybody to remember me in order to remember myself

because we are all responsible for our own lives

and i was getting sloppy with mine

i was getting lazy with it

i was getting greedy with false affection

couldn’t tell what was real anymore

but i do now.

it’s time to get to work,

there’s loads to fix around here and inside me

deep breath

i think we might just be alright,

thank God.

i think im gonna be alright,

alright,

okay.

Lizzy

I’m feeling cocky tonight.

So how about you man up and compete for my attention this time?

Because I’m no longer standing around and waiting to be treated with dignity.

I’m not holding my breath and keeping my energy fixated on the sort of fire that’s only impressive when it’s far away from me.

And that’s just the thing, isn’t it?

That you aren’t as hot as you seem to be.

You’re limited.

So either proceed with some ounce of candor, or sail away with your ship bare.

I don’t care.

I’m over the bullshit.

I deserve more than this.

I am more than you know.

I am filled to the brim with both color and woe.

Like you,

I am layered.

Like you,

I grow.

You, darling boy, are not so special as you suppose.

You judge too quickly, tinker and toy constantly with your body, and you dream too slow.

You are too predictable and you deafen the noise with even louder sounds (quite soon, your brain might blow).

And maybe I would’ve forgiven you your vanity,

dismissed it, simply as child’s play.

But I’ve been struck by your negligence and I want you to beg for me now, I want you to pay.

I want you to fucking pine.

For, truly,

I could’ve easily forgiven your vanity,

had you not so easily wounded mine.

GLORY.

the thing about love is that you can’t bottle it

you can’t concoct or brew it

with ingredients or meticulous thoughts

and the thing about people is that they can hurt your feelings

treat you as they may and not think twice about how you’ll scar

and the thing about friends is that it’s hard to tell which ones really are

about which ones love you and which ones use you, which ones wouldn’t look twice at the wounds that fester

and the thing about life is that it’s unpredictable

things don’t always turn out the way you’d like

and sometimes disappointment is left in the place of desire

and ice sits comfortably where fire once did

because the thing about desire is that it’s deceptive

no one is that perfect, you know that now

and satisfaction hardly exists, you say presence will be enough until you get the kiss

and you say the kiss will be enough until you feel his face, breathing down the nape of your neck

and the thing about you is that you’re fragile

you bend in the direction of your hopes

you break in the face of scrutiny

you wither in the presence of neglect

and the thing about monsters is that they’re always lurking

and they can smell vulnerability

like blood

and the thing is that you are strongest when you love yourself

when your body is your priority

when your blood is your own

when you are free

when you allow your vanity to cease

your mind to be at ease

your heart to be strong

your bond to family and true friends to be at the forefront of it all

and the thing is that this much has always been clear

chin up, darling, you’ve tasted sin

you’ve felt the fingers of desire

inside you

you have learned you are glory, despite it all

and all is not lost,

you have escaped with your sanctity,

your sanity,

your smile,

your blood.

and if anything, vow now

never again to let the blood escape your skin in vain

never to allow a monster near your royal likes again

chin up, GLORY.

Pygmalion

the object of your desire

is an object nonetheless

i sit in a pool of my own fatigue and self hatred,

when did the nature of lust become so limitless?

satisfaction is an urban myth

a voice inside knows where the path leads

and yet my sensibility turns a blind eye,

it revels in its refusal to take heed

but an object of desire

is an object still

and this is the sharp truth

the one that eats through my soul, the one that sends chills

my body turns to stone, my mind to ash

i am the flower you killed

the one you plucked for its beauty

because your adoration is not love

your adoration is possession

and though i wither in your asphyxiating grasp

i am glad that you chose me,

i take pride in my death.

peachbones🍑✨

cheekbones like peaches,

smile so keen

soul so beautiful,

so unmistakably clean.

       tongue like candy,

       body so strong

       hands so kind,

       an earthly charm.

A man with morals,

ethics and candor

with cheekbones like peaches,

a mind as colorful as reefs of coral. 

       He’s got cheekbones like peaches,

       I just wanna take a bite,

       to eat him up if he’ll let me 

       (and I think he just might).