sippy

so i sip sip sippy on some red red wine

part three of the lord of the rings is on

i’ve got a lot on my mind

hope i pass the class this time

hope i don’t fall for the same boy for the millionth time

hope i get to see the morning sun

though I’m not really not sure if im really hoping to be alive

and i sip sip sippy on this red red wine

it tastes better after every sip

i taste the notes, i gulp down time

and i don’t know what im looking for in the darkness

i don’t know why im begging my senses to dim

i don’t know why i bow down to the poison

i don’t know why i love him

i just sip sip sippy on this red red wine

ask the shadows and the clouds what i did

to deserve this pain

this agony

this melodrama!

(the blasphemy!)

this karma

it’s all floating in pieces

it’s all kaleidoscopic

it’s all beginning to seem meaningless

like i lack some vital foresight

as though ive grown myopic

but i sip sip sippy on my red red wine

got all the worries in the world packed in my back pocket,

but i think i might just be fine.

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swig

swig it.

take this life in gulps

push it down ya throat

beat your anxiety to a pulp

swig it.

that poison ain’t gon drink itself

so put your pride aside

burns going down, but you not gon melt

try and keep ya eyes open

try not to puke it all out

swig it, baby-girl

open up ya fuckin mouth

let your body dim some,

let your mind breathe

let your tongue cum, drop those lace panties

let it percolate, every single fuckin cell

run your finger over the words quickly,

don’t let yourself get down and dwell

swig it

you ain’t got much more time now

swig it all up in one shot,

sizzle dazzle, yummy ow!

The Hamster Wheel.

how many times

until you’re satisfied?

how many sips

i know you’re terrified

how many bad habits must you try?

poison and boys got something in common

both wet your lips and make you feel good

and before you know it, you’re drowning

they don’t know any better

it’s what they’re made for

to get your money, grab your soul

to get some pussy and score

but you, darling daughter

why’d you take that bait?

why’d you get hooked on those feelings

why’d you sit there and wait

for the dopamine receptors to keep popping

for him to tell you he’s in fucking love

when you knew you’d have to crash soon

when you knew he was just trying to get some

and maybe you are a little bit lonely

out here in the vacant world

maybe it feels good to feel less

maybe it’s seductive to want more

but baby,

don’t end your life in jest

it’s a hamster wheel

that inclination you got

to want what destroys you

it’s an endless cycle of dissatisfaction

one that’ll only temporarily excite you

until it grabs you by your horns

until it shoves itself in you

until you don’t want it anymore

it wont think that’s an issue

get off that hamster wheel, darling

crawl up out of that watering hole

you got shit to do,

a life to live

you got time to recover

a couple less fucks to give

put that bottle down, baby

leave regrets to rot at the bottom of the sea

let them drown in your place,

know when it’s time to leave

step up off the fucking hamster wheel

you know it’s not getting you anywhere

be bold, have patience, be true

have the courage to be a little scared.

tabula rasa.

im not talking to nobody ion gotta no more

im only keeping in contact with the ones that loved me when they ain’t have to

im only emerging from the shadows when absolutely necessary

imma be selfish with my time now

im not giving nobody nothing for free

not if ion fucking love em

not if they don’t make my heart smile

selfish with it now

with me

with my essence

because i know now that it is valuable

that it is indispensable

that it cannot be emulated

and i don’t care if it gets to be a ghost town around here

because i don’t need nobody that need to piss me off

that need to stress me out

that need to trivialize my fucking feelings

i don’t need em.

i don’t need no fake friends

i don’t need no mindless conversation

i don’t need no unnecessary noise

and it’s time i care about what i need

it’s time i give a fuck more about what i want

imma cut all the fat

on my body

in my closet

on my mind

in my life

time to live lean baby,

simplistic

minimalistic

don’t need all that clutter.

leave me alone with my thoughts

leave me alone to flourish

leave me alone to be at fucking peace.

im done catering to enemies with friendly faces

im done mapping out the nuisances in the kind of “loyalty” they demonstrated

im tired of juggling

and im just not willing to do it anymore.

so im not talking to anyone until i fucking feel like it

im not giving nobody that don’t deserve it the fucking time of day.

sugar 🍭

he’s faceless again

vanilla ice cream

hot fudge

and my tongue can’t contain itself

hoping there’s still room

for something new

nostalgia

death can be peaceful

it can be easy

but i must live

i must live to meet him

i must live

to kiss him

to feel it all

he’s faceless again

the future seems daunting

and i wonder whether i have the patience

im curious as to what’s he like

id like to know him,

i would

id like to know what took him so long

i wonder whether he’s been waiting for me too

whether he’s just as eager

to know what I’m like

who i am

what it means that we fit together

so perfectly

id like to see his face soon

he’s faceless again

he’s more mysterious than he’s ever been

🌿🌸serendipity🌸🌿

the cool thing about life

is that sometimes things work out

maybe not exactly how you had hoped

and maybe not for as long as you would’ve liked

but in the grand scheme of things,

when you look at the bigger picture,

it’s difficult to deny that you’ve gotten what you’ve always wanted

it’s difficult to contest that you’re as satiated now as you could ever have hoped to have been at one point in time

because life can be serendipitous

it can be wonderfully charming in the most unexpected way

good things can happen,

great things can happen when you least expect them to

and i think it is important to be grateful

it is important, i think, to be humble

to know that we are small

i think it is important to acknowledge how little we know

how little control we have over it all

how we must experience the bad in order to appreciate the good

how we must overcome addiction and obsession in order to understand the intricacy of free will

how we must endure disappointment in order to feel the dazzling satisfaction of requited respect

it seems to me that every little piece of the puzzle,

every twist and turn along the way,

is apart of something bigger

something we’ll never quite understand

until perhaps, we are at the end of it

so in the meantime,

i think it is important to smile

it is important, i think, to acknowledge moments of absolute serendipity

as we travel further along on this road to discover truth about life and ourselves.

extraction

like this little piece of metal in my ear

i tried to force something sharp inside of me

something that was entirely too alien

to ever make itself home inside my body

i tried to force something

that i think i knew could never work

because i wanted it to

because it seemed seductive

because i thought it could be beautiful

but from the moment that the sharp metal pierced me,

my skin knew that something was not right

it knew that an immense pressure had been introduced

that this pressure would only grow with each passing day

with each passing minute

with each passing second

so long as i allowed the sinister metal to remain in the place that it had invaded

so long as i sat and watched as it started to bubble, and to boil, and to hurt beyond belief

until i couldn’t sleep on it

until i couldn’t sleep at all

because i knew it was there

because it haunted me

until its very existence tormented me,

until i couldn’t take it anymore

and ma was always right

i was pretty without it,

there was elegance in innocence

there was charm in the untouched

and she was right,

im wounded now

ive created a wound for myself that i hardly needed

a pain that was never necessary

but what remains clear is this–

the extraction is necessary

i mustn’t attempt to work around the source of my hurt

i must extract it from its very root, no matter how painful this process may be for me

and ma holds my hand as the sharp metal is pulled forcibly from my ears, skin ripped from where it had grown over the metal

from where my body attempted to defend me from my own vanity

pain, pain

but it is out now.

and i hold the cause up at the light,

i struggle and squint to see it, for it is truly minuscule in size

and i can’t help but chuckle a little

how can something so small cause so much pain?

how can something so slender steal sleep?

but it is out of me.

and where it was there’ll always be a scar,

where it was there’ll always be a gap,

where it was there’ll always be a reminder–

that i messed up,

that i was vain,

that i was naive,

that i was vulnerable,

but also,

that i survived.