mother love

mother love,

you are grace

profound and beautiful and

kindred spirits become you

lady love,

you have evaded me

when wicked lust tainted my mind

and he blew my guts up into smithereens

you stood there and watched me

mother heart,

you remain as you have been,

mysterious

and i am not yet convinced of you

that you are

that you be

that you can make your way inside of me

lovely mother,

you have abandoned your child

you have left me here, to die

and i am not yet convinced you were anything

but a kindly nightmare

a jarring dream

the kind of intangible dust

that wanted nothing more

than to fuck me.

mother may,

spring is not my friend anymore

my birth gave way to a life of pain

my life gives way to apathy

and sweet mother,

we may never meet again

i may never feel your warm hand

and, kindly mother,

worst of all,

i may never know what it all meant.

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Qubool.

i think there might be something important

about enduring difficulty,

about facing embarrassment

about embracing your truth

i think there is something vital, in fact

about standing in broad daylight

with the less comfortable aspects

of your person absolutely conspicuous,

and saying— this. this is who I am.

i think it is quite noble

indeed, i think it is necessary

to come out of hiding at some point

to stop running

to wake up.

to learn to be of service to someone

someone other than yourself

i think it’s time to realize

that there’s not much you can force

not comfortably.

that anyone who really wants you

is going to jump down in

to journey inside your daunting guts

to explore every nook and cranny first

to understand it all.

they’re going to want you, not despite it

but perhaps, because of it

and certainly, first you must want yourself

you must have yourself ever before someone else can

in sickness and in health

to love

to cherish

you must become capable and deserving

of your own respect

of your own content

and for this,

you must be honest with yourself

you must live with a kind of transparency,

a sort of unparalleled candor

you must accept the most terrifying and beautiful of truths—

who you really are.

qubool hai?

Qubool hai

Qubool hai.

Qubool hai.

lost ones 🌎

and a moment of silence

for the lost ones

for the ones we had to shed away

to protect ourselves

to hide our true colors.

i wonder how you sleep at night

because i know i have loads of trouble

i wonder if you value life

i wonder if you struggle

with the sins you commit

with every second afterward

i wonder if you think it was all worth it

i wonder, if you too, feel the burn

the heat of vulgarity

the sizzle of deceit

i wonder if you feel it all around you too

this aura of defeat

i thought we were of the same ilk

cut from the same cloth,

what once seemed like silk

but all my fingers feel is dampened wool

my mind is throbbing, i’ve a shattered skull

i wonder if you feel this pain

i wonder if you do

i wonder if we deserve to see someday

but im afraid i must leave you

to protect myself

to hide my true colors

to conceal it all before it destroys me

you see, the art of lying is very subtle

so a moment of profound silence

for the lost ones

we sacrificed the glory that could’ve been

we lost our right to remain friends

we’ve both indulged in our fair share of sin

so our story must end the way it began

two lost souls, desperately searching for company

alone, once again.

swig

swig it.

take this life in gulps

push it down ya throat

beat your anxiety to a pulp

swig it.

that poison ain’t gon drink itself

so put your pride aside

burns going down, but you not gon melt

try and keep ya eyes open

try not to puke it all out

swig it, baby-girl

open up ya fuckin mouth

let your body dim some,

let your mind breathe

let your tongue cum, drop those lace panties

let it percolate, every single fuckin cell

run your finger over the words quickly,

don’t let yourself get down and dwell

swig it

you ain’t got much more time now

swig it all up in one shot,

sizzle dazzle, yummy ow!

The Hamster Wheel.

how many times

until you’re satisfied?

how many sips

i know you’re terrified

how many bad habits must you try?

poison and boys got something in common

both wet your lips and make you feel good

and before you know it, you’re drowning

they don’t know any better

it’s what they’re made for

to get your money, grab your soul

to get some pussy and score

but you, darling daughter

why’d you take that bait?

why’d you get hooked on those feelings

why’d you sit there and wait

for the dopamine receptors to keep popping

for him to tell you he’s in fucking love

when you knew you’d have to crash soon

when you knew he was just trying to get some

and maybe you are a little bit lonely

out here in the vacant world

maybe it feels good to feel less

maybe it’s seductive to want more

but baby,

don’t end your life in jest

it’s a hamster wheel

that inclination you got

to want what destroys you

it’s an endless cycle of dissatisfaction

one that’ll only temporarily excite you

until it grabs you by your horns

until it shoves itself in you

until you don’t want it anymore

it wont think that’s an issue

get off that hamster wheel, darling

crawl up out of that watering hole

you got shit to do,

a life to live

you got time to recover

a couple less fucks to give

put that bottle down, baby

leave regrets to rot at the bottom of the sea

let them drown in your place,

know when it’s time to leave

step up off the fucking hamster wheel

you know it’s not getting you anywhere

be bold, have patience, be true

have the courage to be a little scared.

sugar 🍭

he’s faceless again

vanilla ice cream

hot fudge

and my tongue can’t contain itself

hoping there’s still room

for something new

nostalgia

death can be peaceful

it can be easy

but i must live

i must live to meet him

i must live

to kiss him

to feel it all

he’s faceless again

the future seems daunting

and i wonder whether i have the patience

im curious as to what’s he like

id like to know him,

i would

id like to know what took him so long

i wonder whether he’s been waiting for me too

whether he’s just as eager

to know what I’m like

who i am

what it means that we fit together

so perfectly

id like to see his face soon

he’s faceless again

he’s more mysterious than he’s ever been

🌿🌸serendipity🌸🌿

the cool thing about life

is that sometimes things work out

maybe not exactly how you had hoped

and maybe not for as long as you would’ve liked

but in the grand scheme of things,

when you look at the bigger picture,

it’s difficult to deny that you’ve gotten what you’ve always wanted

it’s difficult to contest that you’re as satiated now as you could ever have hoped to have been at one point in time

because life can be serendipitous

it can be wonderfully charming in the most unexpected way

good things can happen,

great things can happen when you least expect them to

and i think it is important to be grateful

it is important, i think, to be humble

to know that we are small

i think it is important to acknowledge how little we know

how little control we have over it all

how we must experience the bad in order to appreciate the good

how we must overcome addiction and obsession in order to understand the intricacy of free will

how we must endure disappointment in order to feel the dazzling satisfaction of requited respect

it seems to me that every little piece of the puzzle,

every twist and turn along the way,

is apart of something bigger

something we’ll never quite understand

until perhaps, we are at the end of it

so in the meantime,

i think it is important to smile

it is important, i think, to acknowledge moments of absolute serendipity

as we travel further along on this road to discover truth about life and ourselves.