sippy

so i sip sip sippy on some red red wine

part three of the lord of the rings is on

i’ve got a lot on my mind

hope i pass the class this time

hope i don’t fall for the same boy for the millionth time

hope i get to see the morning sun

though I’m not really not sure if im really hoping to be alive

and i sip sip sippy on this red red wine

it tastes better after every sip

i taste the notes, i gulp down time

and i don’t know what im looking for in the darkness

i don’t know why im begging my senses to dim

i don’t know why i bow down to the poison

i don’t know why i love him

i just sip sip sippy on this red red wine

ask the shadows and the clouds what i did

to deserve this pain

this agony

this melodrama!

(the blasphemy!)

this karma

it’s all floating in pieces

it’s all kaleidoscopic

it’s all beginning to seem meaningless

like i lack some vital foresight

as though ive grown myopic

but i sip sip sippy on my red red wine

got all the worries in the world packed in my back pocket,

but i think i might just be fine.

Advertisements

mother love

mother love,

you are grace

profound and beautiful and

kindred spirits become you

lady love,

you have evaded me

when wicked lust tainted my mind

and he blew my guts up into smithereens

you stood there and watched me

mother heart,

you remain as you have been,

mysterious

and i am not yet convinced of you

that you are

that you be

that you can make your way inside of me

lovely mother,

you have abandoned your child

you have left me here, to die

and i am not yet convinced you were anything

but a kindly nightmare

a jarring dream

the kind of intangible dust

that wanted nothing more

than to fuck me.

mother may,

spring is not my friend anymore

my birth gave way to a life of pain

my life gives way to apathy

and sweet mother,

we may never meet again

i may never feel your warm hand

and, kindly mother,

worst of all,

i may never know what it all meant.

Qubool.

i think there might be something important

about enduring difficulty,

about facing embarrassment

about embracing your truth

i think there is something vital, in fact

about standing in broad daylight

with the less comfortable aspects

of your person absolutely conspicuous,

and saying— this. this is who I am.

i think it is quite noble

indeed, i think it is necessary

to come out of hiding at some point

to stop running

to wake up.

to learn to be of service to someone

someone other than yourself

i think it’s time to realize

that there’s not much you can force

not comfortably.

that anyone who really wants you

is going to jump down in

to journey inside your daunting guts

to explore every nook and cranny first

to understand it all.

they’re going to want you, not despite it

but perhaps, because of it

and certainly, first you must want yourself

you must have yourself ever before someone else can

in sickness and in health

to love

to cherish

you must become capable and deserving

of your own respect

of your own content

and for this,

you must be honest with yourself

you must live with a kind of transparency,

a sort of unparalleled candor

you must accept the most terrifying and beautiful of truths—

who you really are.

qubool hai?

Qubool hai

Qubool hai.

Qubool hai.

The Hamster Wheel.

how many times

until you’re satisfied?

how many sips

i know you’re terrified

how many bad habits must you try?

poison and boys got something in common

both wet your lips and make you feel good

and before you know it, you’re drowning

they don’t know any better

it’s what they’re made for

to get your money, grab your soul

to get some pussy and score

but you, darling daughter

why’d you take that bait?

why’d you get hooked on those feelings

why’d you sit there and wait

for the dopamine receptors to keep popping

for him to tell you he’s in fucking love

when you knew you’d have to crash soon

when you knew he was just trying to get some

and maybe you are a little bit lonely

out here in the vacant world

maybe it feels good to feel less

maybe it’s seductive to want more

but baby,

don’t end your life in jest

it’s a hamster wheel

that inclination you got

to want what destroys you

it’s an endless cycle of dissatisfaction

one that’ll only temporarily excite you

until it grabs you by your horns

until it shoves itself in you

until you don’t want it anymore

it wont think that’s an issue

get off that hamster wheel, darling

crawl up out of that watering hole

you got shit to do,

a life to live

you got time to recover

a couple less fucks to give

put that bottle down, baby

leave regrets to rot at the bottom of the sea

let them drown in your place,

know when it’s time to leave

step up off the fucking hamster wheel

you know it’s not getting you anywhere

be bold, have patience, be true

have the courage to be a little scared.

🌿🌸serendipity🌸🌿

the cool thing about life

is that sometimes things work out

maybe not exactly how you had hoped

and maybe not for as long as you would’ve liked

but in the grand scheme of things,

when you look at the bigger picture,

it’s difficult to deny that you’ve gotten what you’ve always wanted

it’s difficult to contest that you’re as satiated now as you could ever have hoped to have been at one point in time

because life can be serendipitous

it can be wonderfully charming in the most unexpected way

good things can happen,

great things can happen when you least expect them to

and i think it is important to be grateful

it is important, i think, to be humble

to know that we are small

i think it is important to acknowledge how little we know

how little control we have over it all

how we must experience the bad in order to appreciate the good

how we must overcome addiction and obsession in order to understand the intricacy of free will

how we must endure disappointment in order to feel the dazzling satisfaction of requited respect

it seems to me that every little piece of the puzzle,

every twist and turn along the way,

is apart of something bigger

something we’ll never quite understand

until perhaps, we are at the end of it

so in the meantime,

i think it is important to smile

it is important, i think, to acknowledge moments of absolute serendipity

as we travel further along on this road to discover truth about life and ourselves.

Write. ☀️

so the only thing i’m really sure about is that i wanna have a whole lot of fun this summer

i wanna laugh a lot and learn a lot and write a lot

i wanna breathe easy and forget about all of the anxiety that’s accumulated over the year

because this nausea is all in the brain

and i can change the way i feel if i keep myself busy with art and love

romance is so fucking overrated, it is all fatigue

i wanna feel a different kind of love this summer

i wanna glow from the inside out,

with ambition and determination and an unadulterated desire for self-improvement

i wanna eat healthy and think healthy and make stuff

i wanna foster a need within myself for a different kind of beauty

the kind that never asked for attention

the kind that grows even more consequential in the dark, where no one can see it

i wanna purify my body of poison

i wanna free my mind of insecurity

i wanna meet God this summer, if he’ll have me

i wanna meet myself, somewhere amongst the trees

somewhere amidst the lavender fields,

somewhere where forgiveness grows high into the sky

somewhere i can settle for a little while.

and all the while, i’ll write

i’ll write and i’ll write

i’ll write about whatever i think about

i’ll write it all

yes

i’ll laugh and i’ll think and i’ll live and i’ll meet and i’ll forgive and i’ll settle and

i’ll write

i’ll write it all.

Silence and the Bluff

“I do not wish women to have power over men; but over themselves.”- Mary Shelley

and so the diamond in the rough

finally shows its true colors

the glitter falls away,

and leaves only rubble.

you and the monster are one and the same

and I’m appalled at myself

for ever thinking any other way

for you are not the remedy for the tremor

you are the tremor in disguise

you are a different kind of the same pain

you are malevolent in essence, with deceptively kind eyes

and you jab at me with your invisible spear,

as you kiss me all over

you scoff at my vulnerability and spit on my softness,

you lie over and over and claim to be honest

and your greatest weapon is your kindly appearance

it’s the blade that cuts every time

for though the monster is evil

and hunts me for my blood,

he possesses a candor that you never could

he explicitly declares his intentions, and never claims to be good

but you

weren’t you supposed to be my hero?

my supposed ‘shining knight’,

to whom i left my heart in confidence,

yet you never hear my cries

and as for the source of my warm, sticky blood,

you lend it to any passing beast that may offer a dime.