tabula rasa.

im not talking to nobody ion gotta no more

im only keeping in contact with the ones that loved me when they ain’t have to

im only emerging from the shadows when absolutely necessary

imma be selfish with my time now

im not giving nobody nothing for free

not if ion fucking love em

not if they don’t make my heart smile

selfish with it now

with me

with my essence

because i know now that it is valuable

that it is indispensable

that it cannot be emulated

and i don’t care if it gets to be a ghost town around here

because i don’t need nobody that need to piss me off

that need to stress me out

that need to trivialize my fucking feelings

i don’t need em.

i don’t need no fake friends

i don’t need no mindless conversation

i don’t need no unnecessary noise

and it’s time i care about what i need

it’s time i give a fuck more about what i want

imma cut all the fat

on my body

in my closet

on my mind

in my life

time to live lean baby,

simplistic

minimalistic

don’t need all that clutter.

leave me alone with my thoughts

leave me alone to flourish

leave me alone to be at fucking peace.

im done catering to enemies with friendly faces

im done mapping out the nuisances in the kind of “loyalty” they demonstrated

im tired of juggling

and im just not willing to do it anymore.

so im not talking to anyone until i fucking feel like it

im not giving nobody that don’t deserve it the fucking time of day.

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purgatory

and now i don’t feel pain,

it’s anticipation

and although regret rings constantly

like a bell

it seems there is still hope for salvation

in the form of your beautiful mouth

in the guise of your knowing eyes

in the risk of redemption

that is where I dwell

But will you still want me, love?

will you still run your hands all over?

will you still wanna feel it?

will it feel the same when we’re sober?

I stand frozen, in fear

I trace my mind over possibilities

I can’t tell whether you’re moving

further, or near

The waiting is killing me.

hallow’s eve &parting grief

drunken clarity,

I know what I feel

whole room is spinning, 

I know what is real 

friendship and self-respect 

boundaries in limitlessness

you are crossing the barbed wire 

into the restricted, fiery depths of my desire 

and I cannot let you any further,

I cannot allow you to really know me, ever  
because I am not a second resort 

I am not what you can do when you’re bored 

I am far too much person for that 

I am far too well-versed in neglect 
so leave me as you came, smooth 

you were fascinating, intriguing 

a lovely thought in conjecture

you were everything, my darling,

all but true 

My Tribe

I think I found my tribe once, a people in whom I saw myself. Together we stood in unity, for each other we wanted goodness and prosperity. There was no selfishness in this sort of friendship, it was innocent, pure, it was beautiful. It was the sort of thing you read about in fantastic tales, and sometimes it felt like it’s own. 

But that tribe left me as quickly as it came. For when the clock struck 18, it was time for all of us to head in separate directions, to evaporate into the world, in this way and in that. I wonder, sometimes, if I will ever find my way to my tribe again, and what form it will take this time, for it can never be the same as it was. I wonder if I deserve to rediscover that sort of unadulterated bond, for perhaps it can only remain as long as one remains pure within their own person. My innocence then, it seems, was short-lived. 

It hurts now, as I float through life, a formless vapor, drifting. I make loose connections, all fruitless, all bland. No one seems authentic in the eyes, they greet you with that surface-smile and don’t submerge themselves in conversation the way sentient beings, blessed with unparalleled acuity in the art of articulation, should. They say things of little substance and when you decide to bare bits of your soul to those among them that are at least making an effort, they stare back with a lifeless, inconclusive gaze that is irreparably exhausting. I am lost among a crowd in which I do not, no matter how hard I try, see myself. 

I yearn for the day when I shall be reunited with my people at last (whether it is in this life or the next).