mother love

mother love,

you are grace

profound and beautiful and

kindred spirits become you

lady love,

you have evaded me

when wicked lust tainted my mind

and he blew my guts up into smithereens

you stood there and watched me

mother heart,

you remain as you have been,

mysterious

and i am not yet convinced of you

that you are

that you be

that you can make your way inside of me

lovely mother,

you have abandoned your child

you have left me here, to die

and i am not yet convinced you were anything

but a kindly nightmare

a jarring dream

the kind of intangible dust

that wanted nothing more

than to fuck me.

mother may,

spring is not my friend anymore

my birth gave way to a life of pain

my life gives way to apathy

and sweet mother,

we may never meet again

i may never feel your warm hand

and, kindly mother,

worst of all,

i may never know what it all meant.

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lost ones 🌎

and a moment of silence

for the lost ones

for the ones we had to shed away

to protect ourselves

to hide our true colors.

i wonder how you sleep at night

because i know i have loads of trouble

i wonder if you value life

i wonder if you struggle

with the sins you commit

with every second afterward

i wonder if you think it was all worth it

i wonder, if you too, feel the burn

the heat of vulgarity

the sizzle of deceit

i wonder if you feel it all around you too

this aura of defeat

i thought we were of the same ilk

cut from the same cloth,

what once seemed like silk

but all my fingers feel is dampened wool

my mind is throbbing, i’ve a shattered skull

i wonder if you feel this pain

i wonder if you do

i wonder if we deserve to see someday

but im afraid i must leave you

to protect myself

to hide my true colors

to conceal it all before it destroys me

you see, the art of lying is very subtle

so a moment of profound silence

for the lost ones

we sacrificed the glory that could’ve been

we lost our right to remain friends

we’ve both indulged in our fair share of sin

so our story must end the way it began

two lost souls, desperately searching for company

alone, once again.

the revelation of sin

time to get a little sweaty

to sober up a little

time to clean up

to pick up the pieces

to start my life, to begin

to use those muscles in my fuckin face

to grin

and sin?

sin, it seems, is always around the corner

it’s always in the air, rising and falling

swinging and swaying

seducing me

i done spent half a holy month with my head in the goddamn gutter

trynna sit still in prayer

but it’s all spinning

aflutter

and it seems like i can give up everything

everything except sinning

it seems like the hardest thing to be lately is myself

because i don’t know who that is

or scarier still,

perhaps i know exactly who that is

what it entails

what sacrifices must be made

and perhaps im not ready

((perhaps ill never be))

but in the meantime i crawl back into my hole

i don’t know whether i hide to flourish or cower in fear

in any case, it is safe here

and i don’t mean to leave until I am good and ready.

sugar 🍭

he’s faceless again

vanilla ice cream

hot fudge

and my tongue can’t contain itself

hoping there’s still room

for something new

nostalgia

death can be peaceful

it can be easy

but i must live

i must live to meet him

i must live

to kiss him

to feel it all

he’s faceless again

the future seems daunting

and i wonder whether i have the patience

im curious as to what’s he like

id like to know him,

i would

id like to know what took him so long

i wonder whether he’s been waiting for me too

whether he’s just as eager

to know what I’m like

who i am

what it means that we fit together

so perfectly

id like to see his face soon

he’s faceless again

he’s more mysterious than he’s ever been

fevered clarity. 🔥

i feel it

deep in my bones,

a desire to rise from the ashes

to finally live my truth

with my head throbbing,

throat sore,

forehead burning,

i am more conscious of what i am

than i have ever been

a final, ceremonious nudge into utter adulthood is imminent,

and honesty is beginning to percolate

into my soul

i am ready

to finally live my truth

to release my vanity

to relinquish my ego

and the thing is

i can still like myself

in fact, i think i can like myself more

that i can like myself right

that i can like myself independent of everything else

independent of everyone else

for the sake of it,

for the first time.

i can know myself

i can know what I am

the essence of me

independent of external judgements

of anxiety about their thoughts

of inhibitions regarding how I’ll be perceived

because i have this grand opportunity

I have the clarity to see it in all of its glory

i have a chance to wear the cloak of invisibility

i have the right to melt away, to slip into the shadows in whatever fashion i please

to rise anew, if i ever choose to return

i wanna live for myself this time,

i wanna find God.

i wanna enrich my life with the colors of truth

and i know now that i have a right to.

puella somnia ⭐️➰⭐️➰⭐️

so burn deep, baby 

learn that you get to keep whatever you make

so make it sweet, baby 

earn every kiss and make out with fear for as long as you can take

you want that flat flat abdomen

you got those big brown eyes

you want that sharp sharp intellect

you smell like flowers tonight 

and ill bet you taste like cherries,

hot and icy, baby

ill bet you ooze at their touch

ill bet you make their bodies melt

dreamy girl, creamy soul

melt like chocolate in my mouth!

you are mine, and i am yours

i can be her if id like

if she’ll let me inch my way,

slip into those white knee-highs

walk a mile in that porcelain figure

just to know her pretty touch

burning deep, licking slow

so much more i’d like to know

GLORY.

the thing about love is that you can’t bottle it

you can’t concoct or brew it

with ingredients or meticulous thoughts

and the thing about people is that they can hurt your feelings

treat you as they may and not think twice about how you’ll scar

and the thing about friends is that it’s hard to tell which ones really are

about which ones love you and which ones use you, which ones wouldn’t look twice at the wounds that fester

and the thing about life is that it’s unpredictable

things don’t always turn out the way you’d like

and sometimes disappointment is left in the place of desire

and ice sits comfortably where fire once did

because the thing about desire is that it’s deceptive

no one is that perfect, you know that now

and satisfaction hardly exists, you say presence will be enough until you get the kiss

and you say the kiss will be enough until you feel his face, breathing down the nape of your neck

and the thing about you is that you’re fragile

you bend in the direction of your hopes

you break in the face of scrutiny

you wither in the presence of neglect

and the thing about monsters is that they’re always lurking

and they can smell vulnerability

like blood

and the thing is that you are strongest when you love yourself

when your body is your priority

when your blood is your own

when you are free

when you allow your vanity to cease

your mind to be at ease

your heart to be strong

your bond to family and true friends to be at the forefront of it all

and the thing is that this much has always been clear

chin up, darling, you’ve tasted sin

you’ve felt the fingers of desire

inside you

you have learned you are glory, despite it all

and all is not lost,

you have escaped with your sanctity,

your sanity,

your smile,

your blood.

and if anything, vow now

never again to let the blood escape your skin in vain

never to allow a monster near your royal likes again

chin up, GLORY.