Patience.

No more.

Something has got to give,

I am spiraling out of control

No one knows

My heart shakes

I have tried it all now

there is nothing in it but pain

pain

And I am so tired

I am numb

Confused

and this can’t go on anymore,

Something has got to give

I have to change now

I have to be better now

For myself as well as those who’ve tried to keep me safe

Whose advice I ignored

On the path to fulfill my own selfish desires

I seek strength in this time of pain

I seek honesty

I seek the unadulterated truth

I seek patience

And I like to think I really do this time

That I am sincere in my prayer

That I am finally ready

Barely escaped with myself

But I am very much scathed

I am tainted with lust

With addiction

With impurity

With the kind of clarity that makes it hard

To breathe

I want to breathe easy again

I want to rest easy

I want to find my heart beneath the thousands of layers of varnish that I’ve allowed to accumulate

That I’ve allowed to fester

That I’ve allowed to consume me

I am in pain

And now I seek refuge

I repent

I seek redemption

I seek patience.

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Silence and the Bluff

“I do not wish women to have power over men; but over themselves.”- Mary Shelley

and so the diamond in the rough

finally shows its true colors

the glitter falls away,

and leaves only rubble.

you and the monster are one and the same

and I’m appalled at myself

for ever thinking any other way

for you are not the remedy for the tremor

you are the tremor in disguise

you are a different kind of the same pain

you are malevolent in essence, with deceptively kind eyes

and you jab at me with your invisible spear,

as you kiss me all over

you scoff at my vulnerability and spit on my softness,

you lie over and over and claim to be honest

and your greatest weapon is your kindly appearance

it’s the blade that cuts every time

for though the monster is evil

and hunts me for my blood,

he possesses a candor that you never could

he explicitly declares his intentions, and never claims to be good

but you

weren’t you supposed to be my hero?

my supposed ‘shining knight’,

to whom i left my heart in confidence,

yet you never hear my cries

and as for the source of my warm, sticky blood,

you lend it to any passing beast that may offer a dime.

Actualization.

God.

He wants to prove to me that

he’s there

he’s here

there is divine energy all around me

and it controls everything

that nothing is coincidental

that destiny has me wrapped around her

little finger

that i know nothing

because i know

that there was nothing

that I wanted more

than this.

and just as i began my departure

from my dream,

my fantasy

it walked up to me and looked me in my eyes

it sent chills through my bones,

it grazed my soul and made its way down my spine

delirium.

i am speechless.

i do not know what to make of this

nor what i did to deserve it

beautiful.

i am as whole as ive ever been

i am as complete as i’ll ever be

no more excuses,

he’s left me none

i look destiny in the eyes,

i am, as much as i am capable of being,

Actualized.

The Compromise of the Lotus Flower 🌺

slip inside the dream,

i move further back

you place us in the nick of time,

i settle in and admire your knack

you finally come to join me

present me with gifts, you’re Saint Nick

and then, for a moment, i am left to wonder

what is meant to happen next

you are nearer now, and my body tingles

in anticipation of your touch

you ask me if I want you any closer,

you’re the only kind of sin I could ever trust

and then it’s happening

I am absolutely on fire,

to the very core of me

and you are so wise, with your learned hands

the pleasure makes it hard to breathe

you know I’m wrapped around your finger,

you guide me through your own desire

you reveal yourself to me entirely,

and all I can do is admire

i test my own limits in your influence

i choose the wrong path, quietly

i used to want simpler things

but i no longer have the patience

i am little and timid

i am soft and scared

i just wanna make you proud

i just wanna please you

i am yours to bend and break

keep going,

don’t you dare stop

love me,

like me,

talk to me,

i am yours

abuse me,

beseech me

my lord,

your wish is my command.

Absolution.

sinning tasted like peaches

the ones i knew better than to touch

and now everything that seemed to matter,

is dissolving into nothing-dust.

animalistic desire

i choke on my own lust

warmth of pleasure prepares me for hellfire,

beautiful lies I was stupid enough to trust

because absolution is a mirage,

a funny puzzle on which my mind fixates

I am no more whole now than I ever was

but I’ve hardened, from emerald to jade

I feel more like a woman than I ever have

disenchantment provides me with clarity

I realize that what I really am is ashamed

Ashamed and afraid

of what I’ve been, what I’ve done

of who I am

of who I’m not

of the time I’ve wasted,

chasing dreams and playing with fire

of always prioritizing my ridiculous sentiments and fleeting desires

And I hope, with all my heart, that I’ll be able to change

that I’ll make myself proud and be happy someday

that I’ll like who I am and not look elsewhere for validation

that I’ll be at peace and finally see clearly,

that the kindness and pure intentions of those that matter will one day be more than enough for me.

Pygmalion

the object of your desire

is an object nonetheless

i sit in a pool of my own fatigue and self hatred,

when did the nature of lust become so limitless?

satisfaction is an urban myth

a voice inside knows where the path leads

and yet my sensibility turns a blind eye,

it revels in its refusal to take heed

but an object of desire

is an object still

and this is the sharp truth

the one that eats through my soul, the one that sends chills

my body turns to stone, my mind to ash

i am the flower you killed

the one you plucked for its beauty

because your adoration is not love

your adoration is possession

and though i wither in your asphyxiating grasp

i am glad that you chose me,

i take pride in my death.

Heartache

I come so close, it crumbles.

Right back to where I always begin, in pain.

Ripped tendons, torn ligaments,

Inconclusive goodbyes

Nothing I come to love ever seems to end the way I’d like.

I’ll convince myself of anger,

to rid myself of melancholia

I’ll distract myself with words,

to put off the torment I know I feel

everything aches

my body, my soul, my heart

things have gone very wrong

I’ve amassed enough heartache to keep myself writhing for centuries,

and such anguish is born when I realize that it was never meant to be

that I play tricks on my mind just to keep it alive

that I still hold him in my good graces in the deep of the night

that I willingly bleed incessantly, just to emulate the high

that I stand before the mirror and cannot bear to look into my own eyes

For I am shattered, broken, cracked, withered

I am lonely, insecure, timid, unsure

And of the whole person that started, all that remains is a sliver

She was innocent in her ignorance, my knowledge paints me impure

She was confident in herself, I don’t know anymore

She was willing to test limits, I stand frozen in horror

And so I walk away from my desires, heart filled to the brim with pain

I was destined for this ache, I must endure it with grace