a pre-autumnal night’s dream 🧚🏼‍♂️

laying in the bathtub, drunk 

feeling ambitious right now

plus, at some point i gotta get up and out of this fucking slump

sitting on the toilet sobbing, drunk

laying in my bed, naked

holes and sleeves and denim?

nah, clothes are too hard right now

anxiousssssss, haha

texting you now

im texting you first, for the zillionth time

send

wondering whether or not i should’ve just done that

damn, only noon and the room’s already spinning

think i might really have little bit of a problem limiting myself

making other plans in case this shit doesn’t work out

out with ma, she loves me

she doesn’t know how shitty i am

i think she’d love me anyway

it’d break her heart though

and i can’t have that

sunlight feels nice, im talking way too much

i gotta forget

i gotta repress

i gotta feel less

yeah, i know

im a fuckin mess.

you texted back though

gotta sober up a little

you’re indifferent and its breaking my heart a little

walking around, looking for you

looked me in my eyes and told me you don’t love me

coldddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

so im drinking again

why are you back now?

why do i keep talking?

but you’re here

standing in front of me

sitting with me

walking with me

listening to me

im breathing you in

my baby broke my heart and left it to rot somewhere in the bushes

still, i’m under the impression that i’ll always love him

promise me something? 

i’ll let you go,

but let’s always be friends?

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scum.

jegga jegga journey

jot down the first thing that comes to mind

mouths and tongues and heat and lust

ive come to a risky stump,

a sticky compromise.

mega mega lonely

my pussy’s wet for you, baby

adopted a fixation for the fun of it,

only

it’s turned into the kind of everlasting daydream i can’t shake

fantasies blur into reality

and reality won’t let me breathe

so i jump from continent to continent

i scour the earth in search of peace.

inna inna hurry

it’s fucking cold and im shivering

i only like the shallow ones with some depth

the kind that turn you on while you’re bickering,

and breathe vulgarity in place of innocence.

dinner dinner, on the house?

but nothing in this life is free

they all want something in exchange

your money or your body

there’s always something you’re not telling me.

and what do you think it says about me,

that i think about getting fucked more and more everyday?

carousel brain, powerful daze

harlot, whore, dirty slut

but isn’t that what you wanted me to be?

princess, sensitive, brand fucking new

guess i no longer have what it is you wanted from me

see because,

it’ll always be something—

i’ll always miss something

pleasure or morals

sinning or sainthood

fun or discipline

sacrificing or savoring my blood

thinner thinner,

these scars won’t fade

as many on my soul

as are on my face

winner winner,

there isn’t one

in the end, we all lose

somehow,

we’re all scum.

gluttony

bite after bite

i scarf it all down

lie after lie

i lie, and i prowl

so fucking full

i can’t even breathe

turned even the most basic of human functions into an addiction

with my ravenous greed

regret, i regret it

i always regret it all

sugar and salt and cream and oil

all melt together in my stomach

into a malt

and it seems i can never have just a sip

so i down the whole bottle

it appears i can’t be satisfied with just a fantasy

so i get real drunk, and i call him

glut glut gluttony

so much fucking greed

coin after coin meticulously gathered

blown ruthlessly on these acts of blasphemy

and i am so ugly,

standing on my mountains of irony

i am ruthless with my body

i stretch it wide, make it bleed

i have only scars to show for the wrong paths i take

only extra skin that hangs low with the weight of my bad deeds

skin, all this extra skin

so dense, so much of it

it grows heavy with the burden of sin

ive turned desperate

gone mad since i tasted it

ive become perpetually hungry

for more

more

because the tongue is duplicitous

it’s selfish and insatiable

and it tricks you into doing its bidding

to live in a daze

to let it take precedence over the brain

to sacrifice this one fleeting life to voracity

to hunch over and cry over trivialities

so ive resolved to end this illicit affair with my tongue

ive decided to opt for discipline

because of the many deadly sins that ive come to find aren’t good for me

the worst of them all is the one that will be most difficult for me to overcome–

this wretched, leech-like

gluttony.

Lizzy

I’m feeling cocky tonight.

So how about you man up and compete for my attention this time?

Because I’m no longer standing around and waiting to be treated with dignity.

I’m not holding my breath and keeping my energy fixated on the sort of fire that’s only impressive when it’s far away from me.

And that’s just the thing, isn’t it?

That you aren’t as hot as you seem to be.

You’re limited.

So either proceed with some ounce of candor, or sail away with your ship bare.

I don’t care.

I’m over the bullshit.

I deserve more than this.

I am more than you know.

I am filled to the brim with both color and woe.

Like you,

I am layered.

Like you,

I grow.

You, darling boy, are not so special as you suppose.

You judge too quickly, tinker and toy constantly with your body, and you dream too slow.

You are too predictable and you deafen the noise with even louder sounds (quite soon, your brain might blow).

And maybe I would’ve forgiven you your vanity,

dismissed it, simply as child’s play.

But I’ve been struck by your negligence and I want you to beg for me now, I want you to pay.

I want you to fucking pine.

For, truly,

I could’ve easily forgiven your vanity,

had you not so easily wounded mine.

jellybean fantasy 🌞

fizzy on my tongue

bubbles in my bath

really trying hard this time,

to love myself back

lighting candles and shutting my eyes

breathing and steaming skin

dancing with every possible cliché,

making nice with tempting spirits

carefully neglecting my body,

in worship of my mind

so very broken,

so very exposed

to the elements that attempt to penetrate my high

but fuck it, right? let it go!

for, ‘once motivated,

no one can change more than the one who has been at the bottom’

and i am just tasting the gravel

i am just sleeping with my demons in hopes of appeasing them

i am simply a product of my own pent up fears,

and now, i am finally releasing them

fizzy

i could drown in the embarrassment

but now i must live the way i plan to die

without even acknowledging them

but ive still got that itch

that desire to wrap it all around my finger

and run away while my palm’s hot

ive still got the voice in my head, and it’s screaming

it’s reminding me of all the things ive lost

my innocence,

my beauty,

my lust to simply be

but ive got to stay focused and remember something else

that voice

it isn’t me

fizzy, fizzy on my tongue

bubbles in my mouth

temptation is a yellow jellybean

chewy, golden sugar

one that might hurt my stomach eventually,

but will soothe my tongue for now.

Squonk

im sort of exhausted

which is strange because

life is only beginning

feels like im subjected to remain stuck at these crossroads forever

like i can’t ever make it past the uncertainty

like i’ll always be confused

like something will always be missing

i don’t think anyone can ever love me, romantically or whatever

i think im too hard to be around

i don’t really like being stuck inside myself most of the time if im honest

i think i have to better myself

but i don’t know exactly why or how

when i look in the mirror, nothing’s there

sometimes there’s this thing

but i don’t recognize it

it looks scared

it’s horribly deformed and difficult to look at

but it seems vulnerable too,

like it’s sad that it’s so ugly

as though it’s trying to apologize for something it can’t necessarily control

i feel sorry for it,

i do, i pity it

anyway,

hope i figure this shit out

haha.

💓self-care💓

positivity wise, there’s this—

i know i can do this

i know i can do anything

by the grace of God, with him on my side

and with the strength of my own will

if i am determined and i do my part

if i know that i want it

if i focus,

wholeheartedly

with a clear mind, i can do anything

i can achieve it all

i can build myself up and into the stars,

out of nothing if i wanted to,

if it came to that

but i don’t have nothing

i have a long list of beautiful somethings:

• i have my rock

• i have purpose, the privilege of responsibility

• i have a gift

• i have my tribe

• i have curiosity, a mystery

• i have my scars, the lessons ive learned along the way

and i must recognize that all of this is not nothing

in fact, it is a lot more something than most can say they’ve been blessed with

and it is important i am thankful for it

it is vital that i am grateful

because these little treasures of mine,

they are substantial when united

they are more than enough to carry me easily through the perilous waters that will lead me to my destiny

they are all i need to stay afloat through the turbulence of difficulty

i think it is all enough essence to make up a whole person, maybe a decent one too

i have direction, all i need is the will

and the will is inside me

i know it is

i must hold on to this clarity

i must always remember how much i want this

i must never let myself waver.