sippy

so i sip sip sippy on some red red wine

part three of the lord of the rings is on

i’ve got a lot on my mind

hope i pass the class this time

hope i don’t fall for the same boy for the millionth time

hope i get to see the morning sun

though I’m not really not sure if im really hoping to be alive

and i sip sip sippy on this red red wine

it tastes better after every sip

i taste the notes, i gulp down time

and i don’t know what im looking for in the darkness

i don’t know why im begging my senses to dim

i don’t know why i bow down to the poison

i don’t know why i love him

i just sip sip sippy on this red red wine

ask the shadows and the clouds what i did

to deserve this pain

this agony

this melodrama!

(the blasphemy!)

this karma

it’s all floating in pieces

it’s all kaleidoscopic

it’s all beginning to seem meaningless

like i lack some vital foresight

as though ive grown myopic

but i sip sip sippy on my red red wine

got all the worries in the world packed in my back pocket,

but i think i might just be fine.

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mother love

mother love,

you are grace

profound and beautiful and

kindred spirits become you

lady love,

you have evaded me

when wicked lust tainted my mind

and he blew my guts up into smithereens

you stood there and watched me

mother heart,

you remain as you have been,

mysterious

and i am not yet convinced of you

that you are

that you be

that you can make your way inside of me

lovely mother,

you have abandoned your child

you have left me here, to die

and i am not yet convinced you were anything

but a kindly nightmare

a jarring dream

the kind of intangible dust

that wanted nothing more

than to fuck me.

mother may,

spring is not my friend anymore

my birth gave way to a life of pain

my life gives way to apathy

and sweet mother,

we may never meet again

i may never feel your warm hand

and, kindly mother,

worst of all,

i may never know what it all meant.

lost ones 🌎

and a moment of silence

for the lost ones

for the ones we had to shed away

to protect ourselves

to hide our true colors.

i wonder how you sleep at night

because i know i have loads of trouble

i wonder if you value life

i wonder if you struggle

with the sins you commit

with every second afterward

i wonder if you think it was all worth it

i wonder, if you too, feel the burn

the heat of vulgarity

the sizzle of deceit

i wonder if you feel it all around you too

this aura of defeat

i thought we were of the same ilk

cut from the same cloth,

what once seemed like silk

but all my fingers feel is dampened wool

my mind is throbbing, i’ve a shattered skull

i wonder if you feel this pain

i wonder if you do

i wonder if we deserve to see someday

but im afraid i must leave you

to protect myself

to hide my true colors

to conceal it all before it destroys me

you see, the art of lying is very subtle

so a moment of profound silence

for the lost ones

we sacrificed the glory that could’ve been

we lost our right to remain friends

we’ve both indulged in our fair share of sin

so our story must end the way it began

two lost souls, desperately searching for company

alone, once again.

The Hamster Wheel.

how many times

until you’re satisfied?

how many sips

i know you’re terrified

how many bad habits must you try?

poison and boys got something in common

both wet your lips and make you feel good

and before you know it, you’re drowning

they don’t know any better

it’s what they’re made for

to get your money, grab your soul

to get some pussy and score

but you, darling daughter

why’d you take that bait?

why’d you get hooked on those feelings

why’d you sit there and wait

for the dopamine receptors to keep popping

for him to tell you he’s in fucking love

when you knew you’d have to crash soon

when you knew he was just trying to get some

and maybe you are a little bit lonely

out here in the vacant world

maybe it feels good to feel less

maybe it’s seductive to want more

but baby,

don’t end your life in jest

it’s a hamster wheel

that inclination you got

to want what destroys you

it’s an endless cycle of dissatisfaction

one that’ll only temporarily excite you

until it grabs you by your horns

until it shoves itself in you

until you don’t want it anymore

it wont think that’s an issue

get off that hamster wheel, darling

crawl up out of that watering hole

you got shit to do,

a life to live

you got time to recover

a couple less fucks to give

put that bottle down, baby

leave regrets to rot at the bottom of the sea

let them drown in your place,

know when it’s time to leave

step up off the fucking hamster wheel

you know it’s not getting you anywhere

be bold, have patience, be true

have the courage to be a little scared.

into the night 🌗

i walk into the night

into the night,

into the darkness

i shouldn’t have pretended that everything

is fine

because it isn’t

it really isn’t

im scared

im drunk

and sad

and i wander

aimlessly

into the night

bent on breaking the promises i made to myself

bent on being everything

everything except good

inhale the smoke

cigarette after cigarette

sitting on my throne in the night

i inhale

i am bent on being everything

everything except good

i am miles up

and i fall

even though i promised not to

but it feels good,

plummeting

what feels like a hundred miles per hour

towards the earth

head throbbing

mind throbbing

heart racing

i gotta pee really bad

knocking on every door,

asking if they’ll let me in to take a piss

they’re not having it

none of my bullshit

i am bent on hurting myself

i am bent on feeling something

i am bent on feeling

i am bent on being heard

so i call everyone i know

anyone who’ll listen

to my bullshit

as i wander

aimlessly

into the night.

purgatory

and now i don’t feel pain,

it’s anticipation

and although regret rings constantly

like a bell

it seems there is still hope for salvation

in the form of your beautiful mouth

in the guise of your knowing eyes

in the risk of redemption

that is where I dwell

But will you still want me, love?

will you still run your hands all over?

will you still wanna feel it?

will it feel the same when we’re sober?

I stand frozen, in fear

I trace my mind over possibilities

I can’t tell whether you’re moving

further, or near

The waiting is killing me.

devil’s dichotomy 🖤

smooth body,

hairy chest

insecurities,

confidence

crippling emotion,

absolute apathy

i flirt with death,

and you laugh at me

big brown eyes,

tiny moles on those cheekbones

gaze at each other under purple skies,

I’d be lying if I said we’ve grown

big strong hands,

slippery self esteem

fragile ego,

but I know you wanted me

diverted attention,

it’s wavering now

I am losing you, i sense it

and of course i want to fight it

the trouble is, i don’t know how

I want to grab you by your soul,

but it’s drifting now

I want you to satiate the hunger

that which you planted, that which roars so loud

it lifts like smoke,

and burns like a match

i didn’t know I could ever want it,

let alone want it this bad.