sippy

so i sip sip sippy on some red red wine

part three of the lord of the rings is on

i’ve got a lot on my mind

hope i pass the class this time

hope i don’t fall for the same boy for the millionth time

hope i get to see the morning sun

though I’m not really not sure if im really hoping to be alive

and i sip sip sippy on this red red wine

it tastes better after every sip

i taste the notes, i gulp down time

and i don’t know what im looking for in the darkness

i don’t know why im begging my senses to dim

i don’t know why i bow down to the poison

i don’t know why i love him

i just sip sip sippy on this red red wine

ask the shadows and the clouds what i did

to deserve this pain

this agony

this melodrama!

(the blasphemy!)

this karma

it’s all floating in pieces

it’s all kaleidoscopic

it’s all beginning to seem meaningless

like i lack some vital foresight

as though ive grown myopic

but i sip sip sippy on my red red wine

got all the worries in the world packed in my back pocket,

but i think i might just be fine.

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lost ones 🌎

and a moment of silence

for the lost ones

for the ones we had to shed away

to protect ourselves

to hide our true colors.

i wonder how you sleep at night

because i know i have loads of trouble

i wonder if you value life

i wonder if you struggle

with the sins you commit

with every second afterward

i wonder if you think it was all worth it

i wonder, if you too, feel the burn

the heat of vulgarity

the sizzle of deceit

i wonder if you feel it all around you too

this aura of defeat

i thought we were of the same ilk

cut from the same cloth,

what once seemed like silk

but all my fingers feel is dampened wool

my mind is throbbing, i’ve a shattered skull

i wonder if you feel this pain

i wonder if you do

i wonder if we deserve to see someday

but im afraid i must leave you

to protect myself

to hide my true colors

to conceal it all before it destroys me

you see, the art of lying is very subtle

so a moment of profound silence

for the lost ones

we sacrificed the glory that could’ve been

we lost our right to remain friends

we’ve both indulged in our fair share of sin

so our story must end the way it began

two lost souls, desperately searching for company

alone, once again.

swig

swig it.

take this life in gulps

push it down ya throat

beat your anxiety to a pulp

swig it.

that poison ain’t gon drink itself

so put your pride aside

burns going down, but you not gon melt

try and keep ya eyes open

try not to puke it all out

swig it, baby-girl

open up ya fuckin mouth

let your body dim some,

let your mind breathe

let your tongue cum, drop those lace panties

let it percolate, every single fuckin cell

run your finger over the words quickly,

don’t let yourself get down and dwell

swig it

you ain’t got much more time now

swig it all up in one shot,

sizzle dazzle, yummy ow!

Actualization.

God.

He wants to prove to me that

he’s there

he’s here

there is divine energy all around me

and it controls everything

that nothing is coincidental

that destiny has me wrapped around her

little finger

that i know nothing

because i know

that there was nothing

that I wanted more

than this.

and just as i began my departure

from my dream,

my fantasy

it walked up to me and looked me in my eyes

it sent chills through my bones,

it grazed my soul and made its way down my spine

delirium.

i am speechless.

i do not know what to make of this

nor what i did to deserve it

beautiful.

i am as whole as ive ever been

i am as complete as i’ll ever be

no more excuses,

he’s left me none

i look destiny in the eyes,

i am, as much as i am capable of being,

Actualized.

Flames of Delirium 

So far I’ve come, since I first started, since I first lost myself

I’m still lost, but that’s not the point anymore, is it?

Because what does it matter, whether I find my way or become further entangled in the maze I fashioned once in a dazed state? 

You know me now 

And although I rest at the very bottom of the forgotten pile of fleeting thoughts at the back of your mind, 

I suppose I’m satisfied. 

And let me tell you something, something I’m not sure I understand myself yet, at least not in its entirety 

Satisfaction is not what I imagined it to be. It is, if anything, even more empty and unbecoming than the chase, for it begs that sharp, painful question–what now?

A question that brings with it, quite inconveniently, a battery of still more difficult questions: Where do I go? What do I do? Who do I become? Who am I, really?

Because the truth is, I don’t know. I didn’t know then and I don’t know now. And I don’t think I’ll know even when I’m close to the end, whenever that is, however that is. And maybe all of this was just a distraction my mind dreamt up to keep me from seeing how lost I truly was, and now I know again. 

But I can’t trivialize you like that, can I? You were, you are, important to me. You, or my truth of what you are and what you mean to me, taught me how to revere, how to admire and cherish for its own sake. You taught me how to believe, how to hope for something I knew I could never have and persevere in spite of that knowledge. You taught me, I think, how to love.

Maybe that’s why I’m having such a hard time letting go. Maybe that’s why I never really can. Because how can I release back into the universe what I found in its deepest hidden crevice when I most needed it, when I was so close to losing any hope I might ever have to find a reason to smile as wholeheartedly as you made possible, and wonder. 

Yes, you made me wonder. You made me pause, and think, and question everything I’d previously accepted as fact without taking the time to observe it objectively. You made me curious and excited, and dimmed my senses just enough so that everything else would seem brighter. 

So it doesn’t matter to me that this fire you ignited once inside me was burning for the sake of distracting me from my inability to piece myself together. It doesn’t matter that the fire serves no purpose anymore and that anyone in their right mind would know that the time has come to put these fiery flames to rest. It doesn’t matter that I’m supposed to be satisfied, because I’m not, because I’ll never be, because I’m human. 

So stay with me, now and forever. Invisible to them, here, by my side, inside me. You are my strength, and you are my weakness, and anything else I am remains in between. 

You are as real as the flames you are represented by, the ones that will burn on for eternity, if I have any say in the matter 

You are here, you are always, and you are mine

It doesn’t matter that you don’t really exist.

Viri-descent

Everything hurts.

Shattered bones further disintegrate, until they form a powdered ash of pain

boiling in the cauldron, I lean over and allow my tears to fall in,

Further, add a lock of hair from the Mistress of Folly

Now I sigh in it

It bubbles over, ghastly green

I pour it into a glass, which shatters from the heat

I consume it all, the mixture, the shards of glass

I deserve this pain, I’ll make it last

I transform, finally, as I was always destined to

Into the thing I once adamantly proclaimed to hate the most

Unkind, selfish, stubborn, alone,

I regurgitate my heart and see it writhing on the floor

until it stops moving once and for all

I compose myself and gaze into the looking glass,

What once was innocent, shall never be again.

Sway of the Pendulum 

Forgetting what it feels like to believe in magic 

To have hope 

To have faith 

To have the will to continue to live 

For the sake of it 

Because the beauty in that is evident

Because we have the ability to 

Forgetting what it feels like to want to 

To have aspirations beyond what is necessary 

Beyond what is plain 

Beyond what is easy

I am crumbling 

From the inside out 

I am perishing 

What I was is not what I am 

What I am 

Is gone