Damsel turned Dame

as my sanity slips away,

more of my hair turns gray.

my complexion loses its vigor

i don’t remember ever being this color

this ghastly shade of insecurity,

this ghostly state of impurity

for my mind wanders off into its own depths,

it thinks dirty things to keep the memories fresh.

i live off of thoughts that drive me insane

and enjoy my demise, for your absence

is a flame

the sort that can turn a poor damsel

into a ravishing dame

the sort that keeps me warm and alive

the kind that won’t let me avert my eyes

i am hurting, damp

i am lonely and afraid

i am a sinister tramp

the very tip of the blade

yes, i am sharp and pointed

i can do much harm

i am angry and startled

i am cause for alarm

I am a woman scathed,

I am a force of absolute terror,

I am at the lowest point in my life,

(and I have never been better.)

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Actualization.

God.

He wants to prove to me that

he’s there

he’s here

there is divine energy all around me

and it controls everything

that nothing is coincidental

that destiny has me wrapped around her

little finger

that i know nothing

because i know

that there was nothing

that I wanted more

than this.

and just as i began my departure

from my dream,

my fantasy

it walked up to me and looked me in my eyes

it sent chills through my bones,

it grazed my soul and made its way down my spine

delirium.

i am speechless.

i do not know what to make of this

nor what i did to deserve it

beautiful.

i am as whole as ive ever been

i am as complete as i’ll ever be

no more excuses,

he’s left me none

i look destiny in the eyes,

i am, as much as i am capable of being,

Actualized.

War

I don’t want it now

Because I don’t want it this way

I wanted you once

But I don’t want you today

Because you fucked with the flow

You wounded my vanity

You played with my mind,

You drove me to insanity

And now I feel like a fool

I don’t even have my pride

Nothing left to show

In the wake of my demise

And you’re cold, you’re stone

You have better things to do

I am a pile of ash

But I will rise, anew

And inside and out, I will be pure gold

I will glitter to the core,

I won’t be in your grasp anymore

And I will shine to taunt you

I will glisten to torture

For though weak in battle

In war, I am nothing if not resourceful.

Eve: 2 Seconds Post-Bite 

I am made of mistakes and anticipation,

Of regret and hopes of salvation,

Of a kind of loneliness that won’t dissolve,

the kind of guilt that can’t be absolved

 

I am woven of timidness,

Of the inability to decline,

I offer myself to monsters,

In hopes they won’t oblige

 

Because I am scattered everywhere,

I lie in pieces, so thin

And I can’t recall a time content,

In a sentience that feels so grim

 

Yes, I am not now nor then

Nor will I ever be,

I float like dust particles in the air

(The ones that you can scarcely see)

 

And I hurt from the inside out,

I want to scream and cry

I want to be seen and heard and felt

But my body simply lies

My tongue lay limp in my mouth

My eyes submissively recline

I breathe and beg my body cope

But my stubborn lungs decline

 

I am made of paranoia and smoke

Of black thoughts and shame

The sort of jaded soul at which you poke

The sort that’s easy to blame

I am a blend of nausea and withdrawal

Of plague, sickness, and inconclusive reigns

I am a creature that howls and crawls

In the safe shadows under an onyx plain

 

And I am everything I vowed never to become

Everything I claimed to loathe once

I am she who’s pain I mocked before I dared endure

For though knowledge satisfies, it cunningly vanquishes the pure.

Weakness

Put my finger in the mouth of flames

Further in, so I can feel the heat 

Her tongue tastes of ambrosia

I can feel the warmth inside her,

She is tender and pure

And I want more

She burns me as she draws me closer, and this fever is the best kind

For she is woven of flames and desire,

Of seduction and fire,

And I know I shouldn’t, my whole body ablaze

But she’s too close to deny, and her eyes are a maze

So I guide her through my pleasure,

through my pleasure and my pain

All the while reminding her of the peril in this game

And now I lie satisfied, a pile of ash

For though water is my sustenance,

Fire is my weakness.

 

 

 

 

-/-

Release 

Music, 

Strange, yes.

No one is as important

I’m a bad person 

In a glass box 

No one understands

All surface eyes 

Hurt ma again 

I always do 

Hurt anyone that’s real 

Hurt anyone that tries to help 

Maybe I don’t want it

Maybe I wanna sink 

Lower 

And lower 

Destined for this I think 

Sadness fits like a glove 

Fearful 

Of what I’m missing 

Because it’s always something 

This or that 

Religion or pleasure 

Familiarity or the pursuit of new 

Of mystery 

Of goodness or greatness 

Of pleasing or being pleased 

Searching for the balance 

Is killing me 

I dont know where it is 

Equilibrium 

If it exists

No one understands 

No air in this box 

Gotta smash it open myself 

Myself 

Gotta end up with shards of glass

 in my skin, 

My soul,

But I’ll be free 

Pre-REM

It’s late. I’m sleepy, but I felt there was something I needed to say. I can’t quite remember what it is anymore, I’ll probably end up dreaming about it though.

I guess I’ve been thinking about how tired I am of pain, in all its forms. The process of feeling, completely, is no longer something I think I have the energy to maintain simply for its sake.

There’s pretty music playing somewhere in the back of my mind now, feels like the start of something new, something less still, something rather than nothing. 

I am finding that it is time to make the transition into living for myself, I am excited at the prospect of discovering what that will mean. 

I believe I am finally ready to emerge from the ashes of my former self, anew. 

I am allowing myself to sink comfortably into the river of my self, no longer afraid. It is not that I have learned to swim. Rather, I now know that drowning is an essential experience. The world beneath the water is dreamier than that above it. 

I am ready to find out what I’ve missed on the pursuit to achieve what never existed. 

I am transforming. I am learning, slowly, what it means to live.