Actualization.

God.

He wants to prove to me that

he’s there

he’s here

there is divine energy all around me

and it controls everything

that nothing is coincidental

that destiny has me wrapped around her

little finger

that i know nothing

because i know

that there was nothing

that I wanted more

than this.

and just as i began my departure

from my dream,

my fantasy

it walked up to me and looked me in my eyes

it sent chills through my bones,

it grazed my soul and made its way down my spine

delirium.

i am speechless.

i do not know what to make of this

nor what i did to deserve it

beautiful.

i am as whole as ive ever been

i am as complete as i’ll ever be

no more excuses,

he’s left me none

i look destiny in the eyes,

i am, as much as i am capable of being,

Actualized.

Advertisements

devil’s dichotomy 🖤

smooth body,

hairy chest

insecurities,

confidence.

crippling emotion,

absolute apathy

i flirt with death,

and you laugh at me

big brown eyes,

tiny moles on those cheekbones

gaze at each other under purple skies,

I’d be lying if I said we’ve grown

big strong hands,

slippery self esteem

fragile ego,

but I know you wanted me

diverted attention,

it’s wavering now

I am losing you, i sense it

and of course i want to fight it

the trouble is, i don’t know how

I want to grab you by your soul,

but it’s drifting now

I want you to satiate the hunger

that which you planted, that which roars so loud

it lifts like smoke,

and burns like a match

i didn’t know I could ever want it,

let alone want it this bad.

Pygmalion

the object of your desire

is an object nonetheless

i sit in a pool of my own fatigue and self hatred,

when did the nature of lust become so limitless?

satisfaction is an urban myth

a voice inside knows where the path leads

and yet my sensibility turns a blind eye,

it revels in its refusal to take heed

but an object of desire

is an object still

and this is the sharp truth

the one that eats through my soul, the one that sends chills

my body turns to stone, my mind to ash

i am the flower you killed

the one you plucked for its beauty

because your adoration is not love

your adoration is possession

and though i wither in your asphyxiating grasp

i am glad that you chose me,

i take pride in my death.

Heartache

I come so close, it crumbles.

Right back to where I always begin, in pain.

Ripped tendons, torn ligaments,

Inconclusive goodbyes

Nothing I come to love ever seems to end the way I’d like.

I’ll convince myself of anger,

to rid myself of melancholia

I’ll distract myself with words,

to put off the torment I know I feel

everything aches

my body, my soul, my heart

things have gone very wrong

I’ve amassed enough heartache to keep myself writhing for centuries,

and such anguish is born when I realize that it was never meant to be

that I play tricks on my mind just to keep it alive

that I still hold him in my good graces in the deep of the night

that I willingly bleed incessantly, just to emulate the high

that I stand before the mirror and cannot bear to look into my own eyes

For I am shattered, broken, cracked, withered

I am lonely, insecure, timid, unsure

And of the whole person that started, all that remains is a sliver

She was innocent in her ignorance, my knowledge paints me impure

She was confident in herself, I don’t know anymore

She was willing to test limits, I stand frozen in horror

And so I walk away from my desires, heart filled to the brim with pain

I was destined for this ache, I must endure it with grace

Greed

Anticipation,

my patience grows thin.

And it’s different this time,

a slow-churned blend of truth and lies,

The hunger, a fire,

a flame that won’t subside.

I am giving more and more of myself

I am testing limits I didn’t dare ponder before

I am tasting the honeyed dew of mutiny,

I am reveling in the forbidden nature of my own pleasure.

And I live in the shadows lately,

where hedonism thrives

I am pompous and arrogant,

I look Satan in the eyes.

And he guides me accordingly,

down the path of the unwise,

where I’m ushered into a madness,

a slippery slope, a slimy ride.

hallow’s eve &parting grief

drunken clarity,

I know what I feel

whole room is spinning, 

I know what is real 

friendship and self-respect 

boundaries in limitlessness

you are crossing the barbed wire 

into the restricted, fiery depths of my desire 

and I cannot let you any further,

I cannot allow you to really know me, ever  
because I am not a second resort 

I am not what you can do when you’re bored 

I am far too much person for that 

I am far too well-versed in neglect 
so leave me as you came, smooth 

you were fascinating, intriguing 

a lovely thought in conjecture

you were everything, my darling,

all but true 

False Casanova

Backpedal,

For a moment, I forgot who I am

I forgot what I am worth

I forgot that I can stand

That I can run, that I bleed

That you are nothing to me

That I gave you an inch, and you took miles from me

 

And my heart is no plaything,

With which you can continue to toy

And you think you’re so slick in this game,

you think you’re so coy

 

But I am the Queen Bitch

I will forget you, quick fix

Like sand, you will dissolve

And I won’t even blink

 

Oh, you think I need you?

Think I can’t make it by?

Think I need you to hold me?

Wipe my tears, tell me lies?

 

Well fuck you and your delusions,

I will prosper on this throne

my body doesn’t mind the cold,

my tears dry on their own.