I know what I feel
whole room is spinning,
I know what is real
friendship and self-respect
boundaries in limitlessness
you are crossing the barbed wire
into the restricted, fiery depths of my desire
and I cannot let you any further,
I cannot allow you to really know me, ever
because I am not a second resort
I am not what you can do when you’re bored
I am far too much person for that
I am far too well-versed in neglect
so leave me as you came, smooth
you were fascinating, intriguing
a lovely thought in conjecture
you were everything, my darling,
all but true
Newfound radiance, I’m learning to feel again
New set of eyes, I think I can see again
Though lost still we remain
Something slowly emerges from the ashes
And hope rises
So too do we
Up and up, higher
We are elated, for the moment
Let’s enjoy this
He is there
I am here
We remain seperate
Let’s learn to make our peace with that
Peace we used to know
Peace we are learning to cultivate once again
From the pain
Let us cultivate hope and peace from the pain we didn’t know what to do with yesterday
Let us give it purpose
I wanted to tell you about the kind of music I’ve been listening to, how much it reminds me of you. You were right, the words are hardly as important as the melody and the way it makes me feel.
I wanted to let you know that I’ve been feeling less anxious about doing things I like, that I took your advice about doing shit just because I wanted to, because I can.
I wanted to say that I fucking miss you and that there isn’t a moment where your absence doesn’t gnaw at me from somewhere inside, I’m not quite sure where.
I wanted to tell you that things are different now and that although different might not necessarily be better, I’m not who I used to be. I guess I’m thankful for that.
I would’ve really liked for you to have known this new me, since you are largely responsible for her. I like to think that you are always with me, always watching, always smiling in that knowing way, always protecting.
I wanted to let you know that I love you, and that I know now what that means. I don’t ever want to treat you like a memory, because a memory has little place in the present beyond momentary acknowledgement. I’m realizing that a bond like ours doesn’t unravel in the face of something as meager as distance or time or reality.
I wanted to tell you that I’ll always be yours, whether or not you existed.
I meant to tell you before that I didn’t think anything mattered. I guess I meant to tell you that I was living, but that I didn’t think that meant anything.
I suppose I’d been avoiding having that conversation with you. The one about how I didn’t think that this moment was any more real than any other that had occurred, or that this passing time exists any more than something like a thought or a memory.
I’m finding now that it was wrong of me to hide these ideas from you, even if I meant no malice by it in that I supposed you were already familiar with the way I perceived the world (if not completely approving of it).
I guess I’m sorry I never let you know that I disagreed with your belief that we have a purpose, that your optimism is somehow more valuable than my apathy. Even more, I regret never making my emotions plain as I am making an effort to now, when you aren’t here to acknowledge my sorrow. I guess I’m sorry I never apologized. Alas, as you must now realize, I am painfully aware that my apology bears no more worth than its absence ever did.