mother love

mother love,

you are grace

profound and beautiful and

kindred spirits become you

lady love,

you have evaded me

when wicked lust tainted my mind

and he blew my guts up into smithereens

you stood there and watched me

mother heart,

you remain as you have been,

mysterious

and i am not yet convinced of you

that you are

that you be

that you can make your way inside of me

lovely mother,

you have abandoned your child

you have left me here, to die

and i am not yet convinced you were anything

but a kindly nightmare

a jarring dream

the kind of intangible dust

that wanted nothing more

than to fuck me.

mother may,

spring is not my friend anymore

my birth gave way to a life of pain

my life gives way to apathy

and sweet mother,

we may never meet again

i may never feel your warm hand

and, kindly mother,

worst of all,

i may never know what it all meant.

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Qubool.

i think there might be something important

about enduring difficulty,

about facing embarrassment

about embracing your truth

i think there is something vital, in fact

about standing in broad daylight

with the less comfortable aspects

of your person absolutely conspicuous,

and saying— this. this is who I am.

i think it is quite noble

indeed, i think it is necessary

to come out of hiding at some point

to stop running

to wake up.

to learn to be of service to someone

someone other than yourself

i think it’s time to realize

that there’s not much you can force

not comfortably.

that anyone who really wants you

is going to jump down in

to journey inside your daunting guts

to explore every nook and cranny first

to understand it all.

they’re going to want you, not despite it

but perhaps, because of it

and certainly, first you must want yourself

you must have yourself ever before someone else can

in sickness and in health

to love

to cherish

you must become capable and deserving

of your own respect

of your own content

and for this,

you must be honest with yourself

you must live with a kind of transparency,

a sort of unparalleled candor

you must accept the most terrifying and beautiful of truths—

who you really are.

qubool hai?

Qubool hai

Qubool hai.

Qubool hai.

lost ones 🌎

and a moment of silence

for the lost ones

for the ones we had to shed away

to protect ourselves

to hide our true colors.

i wonder how you sleep at night

because i know i have loads of trouble

i wonder if you value life

i wonder if you struggle

with the sins you commit

with every second afterward

i wonder if you think it was all worth it

i wonder, if you too, feel the burn

the heat of vulgarity

the sizzle of deceit

i wonder if you feel it all around you too

this aura of defeat

i thought we were of the same ilk

cut from the same cloth,

what once seemed like silk

but all my fingers feel is dampened wool

my mind is throbbing, i’ve a shattered skull

i wonder if you feel this pain

i wonder if you do

i wonder if we deserve to see someday

but im afraid i must leave you

to protect myself

to hide my true colors

to conceal it all before it destroys me

you see, the art of lying is very subtle

so a moment of profound silence

for the lost ones

we sacrificed the glory that could’ve been

we lost our right to remain friends

we’ve both indulged in our fair share of sin

so our story must end the way it began

two lost souls, desperately searching for company

alone, once again.

into the night 🌗

i walk into the night

into the night,

into the darkness

i shouldn’t have pretended that everything

is fine

because it isn’t

it really isn’t

im scared

im drunk

and sad

and i wander

aimlessly

into the night

bent on breaking the promises i made to myself

bent on being everything

everything except good

inhale the smoke

cigarette after cigarette

sitting on my throne in the night

i inhale

i am bent on being everything

everything except good

i am miles up

and i fall

even though i promised not to

but it feels good,

plummeting

what feels like a hundred miles per hour

towards the earth

head throbbing

mind throbbing

heart racing

i gotta pee really bad

knocking on every door,

asking if they’ll let me in to take a piss

they’re not having it

none of my bullshit

i am bent on hurting myself

i am bent on feeling something

i am bent on feeling

i am bent on being heard

so i call everyone i know

anyone who’ll listen

to my bullshit

as i wander

aimlessly

into the night.

extraction

like this little piece of metal in my ear

i tried to force something sharp inside of me

something that was entirely too alien

to ever make itself home inside my body

i tried to force something

that i think i knew could never work

because i wanted it to

because it seemed seductive

because i thought it could be beautiful

but from the moment that the sharp metal pierced me,

my skin knew that something was not right

it knew that an immense pressure had been introduced

that this pressure would only grow with each passing day

with each passing minute

with each passing second

so long as i allowed the sinister metal to remain in the place that it had invaded

so long as i sat and watched as it started to bubble, and to boil, and to hurt beyond belief

until i couldn’t sleep on it

until i couldn’t sleep at all

because i knew it was there

because it haunted me

until its very existence tormented me,

until i couldn’t take it anymore

and ma was always right

i was pretty without it,

there was elegance in innocence

there was charm in the untouched

and she was right,

im wounded now

ive created a wound for myself that i hardly needed

a pain that was never necessary

but what remains clear is this–

the extraction is necessary

i mustn’t attempt to work around the source of my hurt

i must extract it from its very root, no matter how painful this process may be for me

and ma holds my hand as the sharp metal is pulled forcibly from my ears, skin ripped from where it had grown over the metal

from where my body attempted to defend me from my own vanity

pain, pain

but it is out now.

and i hold the cause up at the light,

i struggle and squint to see it, for it is truly minuscule in size

and i can’t help but chuckle a little

how can something so small cause so much pain?

how can something so slender steal sleep?

but it is out of me.

and where it was there’ll always be a scar,

where it was there’ll always be a gap,

where it was there’ll always be a reminder–

that i messed up,

that i was vain,

that i was naive,

that i was vulnerable,

but also,

that i survived.

Absolution.

sinning tasted like peaches

the ones i knew better than to touch

and now everything that seemed to matter,

is dissolving into nothing-dust.

animalistic desire

i choke on my own lust

warmth of pleasure prepares me for hellfire,

beautiful lies I was stupid enough to trust

because absolution is a mirage,

a funny puzzle on which my mind fixates

I am no more whole now than I ever was

but I’ve hardened, from emerald to jade

I feel more like a woman than I ever have

disenchantment provides me with clarity

I realize that what I really am is ashamed

Ashamed and afraid

of what I’ve been, what I’ve done

of who I am

of who I’m not

of the time I’ve wasted,

chasing dreams and playing with fire

of always prioritizing my ridiculous sentiments and fleeting desires

And I hope, with all my heart, that I’ll be able to change

that I’ll make myself proud and be happy someday

that I’ll like who I am and not look elsewhere for validation

that I’ll be at peace and finally see clearly,

that the kindness and pure intentions of those that matter will one day be more than enough for me.

devil’s dichotomy 🖤

smooth body,

hairy chest

insecurities,

confidence

crippling emotion,

absolute apathy

i flirt with death,

and you laugh at me

big brown eyes,

tiny moles on those cheekbones

gaze at each other under purple skies,

I’d be lying if I said we’ve grown

big strong hands,

slippery self esteem

fragile ego,

but I know you wanted me

diverted attention,

it’s wavering now

I am losing you, i sense it

and of course i want to fight it

the trouble is, i don’t know how

I want to grab you by your soul,

but it’s drifting now

I want you to satiate the hunger

that which you planted, that which roars so loud

it lifts like smoke,

and burns like a match

i didn’t know I could ever want it,

let alone want it this bad.