Absolution.

sinning tasted like peaches

the ones i knew better than to touch

and now everything that seemed to matter,

is dissolving into nothing-dust.

animalistic desire

i choke on my own lust

warmth of pleasure prepares me for hellfire,

beautiful lies I was stupid enough to trust

because absolution is a mirage,

a funny puzzle on which my mind fixates

I am no more whole now than I ever was

but I’ve hardened, from emerald to jade

I feel more like a woman than I ever have

disenchantment provides me with clarity

I realize that what I really am is ashamed

Ashamed and afraid

of what I’ve been, what I’ve done

of who I am

of who I’m not

of the time I’ve wasted,

chasing dreams and playing with fire

of always prioritizing my ridiculous sentiments and fleeting desires

And I hope, with all my heart, that I’ll be able to change

that I’ll make myself proud and be happy someday

that I’ll like who I am and not look elsewhere for validation

that I’ll be at peace and finally see clearly,

that the kindness and pure intentions of those that matter will one day be more than enough for me.

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devil’s dichotomy 🖤

smooth body,

hairy chest

insecurities,

confidence.

crippling emotion,

absolute apathy

i flirt with death,

and you laugh at me

big brown eyes,

tiny moles on those cheekbones

gaze at each other under purple skies,

I’d be lying if I said we’ve grown

big strong hands,

slippery self esteem

fragile ego,

but I know you wanted me

diverted attention,

it’s wavering now

I am losing you, i sense it

and of course i want to fight it

the trouble is, i don’t know how

I want to grab you by your soul,

but it’s drifting now

I want you to satiate the hunger

that which you planted, that which roars so loud

it lifts like smoke,

and burns like a match

i didn’t know I could ever want it,

let alone want it this bad.

hallow’s eve &parting grief

drunken clarity,

I know what I feel

whole room is spinning, 

I know what is real 

friendship and self-respect 

boundaries in limitlessness

you are crossing the barbed wire 

into the restricted, fiery depths of my desire 

and I cannot let you any further,

I cannot allow you to really know me, ever  
because I am not a second resort 

I am not what you can do when you’re bored 

I am far too much person for that 

I am far too well-versed in neglect 
so leave me as you came, smooth 

you were fascinating, intriguing 

a lovely thought in conjecture

you were everything, my darling,

all but true 

Cultivation of Pain

Newfound radiance, I’m learning to feel again

New set of eyes, I think I can see again

Though lost still we remain

Something slowly emerges from the ashes 

Hope 

And hope rises 

So too do we 

 Up and up, higher 

We are elated, for the moment

Let’s enjoy this 

He is there 

I am here 

We remain seperate 

Let’s learn to make our peace with that

Peace we used to know

Peace we are learning to cultivate once again

From the pain 

Yes, 

Let us cultivate hope and peace from the pain we didn’t know what to do with yesterday 

Let us give it purpose 

Enduring Loyalty, Wavering Sanity 

I wanted to tell you about the kind of music I’ve been listening to, how much it reminds me of you. You were right, the words are hardly as important as the melody and the way it makes me feel.

I wanted to let you know that I’ve been feeling less anxious about doing things I like, that I took your advice about doing shit just because I wanted to, because I can.

I wanted to say that I fucking miss you and that there isn’t a moment where your absence doesn’t gnaw at me from somewhere inside, I’m not quite sure where.

I wanted to tell you that things are different now and that although different might not necessarily be better, I’m not who I used to be. I guess I’m thankful for that.

I would’ve really liked for you to have known this new me, since you are largely responsible for her. I like to think that you are always with me, always watching, always smiling in that knowing way, always protecting.

I wanted to let you know that I love you, and that I know now what that means. I don’t ever want to treat you like a memory, because a memory has little place in the present beyond momentary acknowledgement. I’m realizing that a bond like ours doesn’t unravel in the face of something as meager as distance or time or reality.

I wanted to tell you that I’ll always be yours, whether or not you existed.

Forgotten Apologies  

I meant to tell you before that I didn’t think anything mattered. I guess I meant to tell you that I was living, but that I didn’t think that meant anything.

I suppose I’d been avoiding having that conversation with you. The one about how I didn’t think that this moment was any more real than any other that had occurred, or that this passing time exists any more than something like a thought or a memory.

I’m finding now that it was wrong of me to hide these ideas from you, even if I meant no malice by it in that I supposed you were already familiar with the way I perceived the world (if not completely approving of it).

I guess I’m sorry I never let you know that I disagreed with your belief that we have a purpose, that your optimism is somehow more valuable than my apathy. Even more, I regret never making my emotions plain as I am making an effort to now, when you aren’t here to acknowledge my sorrow. I guess I’m sorry I never apologized. Alas, as you must now realize, I am painfully aware that my apology bears no more worth than its absence ever did.