Damsel turned Dame

as my sanity slips away,

more of my hair turns gray.

my complexion loses its vigor

i don’t remember ever being this color

this ghastly shade of insecurity,

this ghostly state of impurity

for my mind wanders off into its own depths,

it thinks dirty things to keep the memories fresh.

i live off of thoughts that drive me insane

and enjoy my demise, for your absence

is a flame

the sort that can turn a poor damsel

into a ravishing dame

the sort that keeps me warm and alive

the kind that won’t let me avert my eyes

i am hurting, damp

i am lonely and afraid

i am a sinister tramp

the very tip of the blade

yes, i am sharp and pointed

i can do much harm

i am angry and startled

i am cause for alarm

I am a woman scathed,

I am a force of absolute terror,

I am at the lowest point in my life,

(and I have never been better.)

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devil’s dichotomy 🖤

smooth body,

hairy chest

insecurities,

confidence.

crippling emotion,

absolute apathy

i flirt with death,

and you laugh at me

big brown eyes,

tiny moles on those cheekbones

gaze at each other under purple skies,

I’d be lying if I said we’ve grown

big strong hands,

slippery self esteem

fragile ego,

but I know you wanted me

diverted attention,

it’s wavering now

I am losing you, i sense it

and of course i want to fight it

the trouble is, i don’t know how

I want to grab you by your soul,

but it’s drifting now

I want you to satiate the hunger

that which you planted, that which roars so loud

it lifts like smoke,

and burns like a match

i didn’t know I could ever want it,

let alone want it this bad.

War

I don’t want it now

Because I don’t want it this way

I wanted you once

But I don’t want you today

Because you fucked with the flow

You wounded my vanity

You played with my mind,

You drove me to insanity

And now I feel like a fool

I don’t even have my pride

Nothing left to show

In the wake of my demise

And you’re cold, you’re stone

You have better things to do

I am a pile of ash

But I will rise, anew

And inside and out, I will be pure gold

I will glitter to the core,

I won’t be in your grasp anymore

And I will shine to taunt you

I will glisten to torture

For though weak in battle

In war, I am nothing if not resourceful.

Heartache

I come so close, it crumbles.

Right back to where I always begin, in pain.

Ripped tendons, torn ligaments,

Inconclusive goodbyes

Nothing I come to love ever seems to end the way I’d like.

I’ll convince myself of anger,

to rid myself of melancholia

I’ll distract myself with words,

to put off the torment I know I feel

everything aches

my body, my soul, my heart

things have gone very wrong

I’ve amassed enough heartache to keep myself writhing for centuries,

and such anguish is born when I realize that it was never meant to be

that I play tricks on my mind just to keep it alive

that I still hold him in my good graces in the deep of the night

that I willingly bleed incessantly, just to emulate the high

that I stand before the mirror and cannot bear to look into my own eyes

For I am shattered, broken, cracked, withered

I am lonely, insecure, timid, unsure

And of the whole person that started, all that remains is a sliver

She was innocent in her ignorance, my knowledge paints me impure

She was confident in herself, I don’t know anymore

She was willing to test limits, I stand frozen in horror

And so I walk away from my desires, heart filled to the brim with pain

I was destined for this ache, I must endure it with grace

Greed

Anticipation,

my patience grows thin.

And it’s different this time,

a slow-churned blend of truth and lies,

The hunger, a fire,

a flame that won’t subside.

I am giving more and more of myself

I am testing limits I didn’t dare ponder before

I am tasting the honeyed dew of mutiny,

I am reveling in the forbidden nature of my own pleasure.

And I live in the shadows lately,

where hedonism thrives

I am pompous and arrogant,

I look Satan in the eyes.

And he guides me accordingly,

down the path of the unwise,

where I’m ushered into a madness,

a slippery slope, a slimy ride.

hallow’s eve &parting grief

drunken clarity,

I know what I feel

whole room is spinning, 

I know what is real 

friendship and self-respect 

boundaries in limitlessness

you are crossing the barbed wire 

into the restricted, fiery depths of my desire 

and I cannot let you any further,

I cannot allow you to really know me, ever  
because I am not a second resort 

I am not what you can do when you’re bored 

I am far too much person for that 

I am far too well-versed in neglect 
so leave me as you came, smooth 

you were fascinating, intriguing 

a lovely thought in conjecture

you were everything, my darling,

all but true 

Eve: 2 Seconds Post-Bite 

I am made of mistakes and anticipation,

Of regret and hopes of salvation,

Of a kind of loneliness that won’t dissolve,

the kind of guilt that can’t be absolved

 

I am woven of timidness,

Of the inability to decline,

I offer myself to monsters,

In hopes they won’t oblige

 

Because I am scattered everywhere,

I lie in pieces, so thin

And I can’t recall a time content,

In a sentience that feels so grim

 

Yes, I am not now nor then

Nor will I ever be,

I float like dust particles in the air

(The ones that you can scarcely see)

 

And I hurt from the inside out,

I want to scream and cry

I want to be seen and heard and felt

But my body simply lies

My tongue lay limp in my mouth

My eyes submissively recline

I breathe and beg my body cope

But my stubborn lungs decline

 

I am made of paranoia and smoke

Of black thoughts and shame

The sort of jaded soul at which you poke

The sort that’s easy to blame

I am a blend of nausea and withdrawal

Of plague, sickness, and inconclusive reigns

I am a creature that howls and crawls

In the safe shadows under an onyx plain

 

And I am everything I vowed never to become

Everything I claimed to loathe once

I am she who’s pain I mocked before I dared endure

For though knowledge satisfies, it cunningly vanquishes the pure.