sippy

so i sip sip sippy on some red red wine

part three of the lord of the rings is on

i’ve got a lot on my mind

hope i pass the class this time

hope i don’t fall for the same boy for the millionth time

hope i get to see the morning sun

though I’m not really not sure if im really hoping to be alive

and i sip sip sippy on this red red wine

it tastes better after every sip

i taste the notes, i gulp down time

and i don’t know what im looking for in the darkness

i don’t know why im begging my senses to dim

i don’t know why i bow down to the poison

i don’t know why i love him

i just sip sip sippy on this red red wine

ask the shadows and the clouds what i did

to deserve this pain

this agony

this melodrama!

(the blasphemy!)

this karma

it’s all floating in pieces

it’s all kaleidoscopic

it’s all beginning to seem meaningless

like i lack some vital foresight

as though ive grown myopic

but i sip sip sippy on my red red wine

got all the worries in the world packed in my back pocket,

but i think i might just be fine.

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mother love

mother love,

you are grace

profound and beautiful and

kindred spirits become you

lady love,

you have evaded me

when wicked lust tainted my mind

and he blew my guts up into smithereens

you stood there and watched me

mother heart,

you remain as you have been,

mysterious

and i am not yet convinced of you

that you are

that you be

that you can make your way inside of me

lovely mother,

you have abandoned your child

you have left me here, to die

and i am not yet convinced you were anything

but a kindly nightmare

a jarring dream

the kind of intangible dust

that wanted nothing more

than to fuck me.

mother may,

spring is not my friend anymore

my birth gave way to a life of pain

my life gives way to apathy

and sweet mother,

we may never meet again

i may never feel your warm hand

and, kindly mother,

worst of all,

i may never know what it all meant.

Qubool.

i think there might be something important

about enduring difficulty,

about facing embarrassment

about embracing your truth

i think there is something vital, in fact

about standing in broad daylight

with the less comfortable aspects

of your person absolutely conspicuous,

and saying— this. this is who I am.

i think it is quite noble

indeed, i think it is necessary

to come out of hiding at some point

to stop running

to wake up.

to learn to be of service to someone

someone other than yourself

i think it’s time to realize

that there’s not much you can force

not comfortably.

that anyone who really wants you

is going to jump down in

to journey inside your daunting guts

to explore every nook and cranny first

to understand it all.

they’re going to want you, not despite it

but perhaps, because of it

and certainly, first you must want yourself

you must have yourself ever before someone else can

in sickness and in health

to love

to cherish

you must become capable and deserving

of your own respect

of your own content

and for this,

you must be honest with yourself

you must live with a kind of transparency,

a sort of unparalleled candor

you must accept the most terrifying and beautiful of truths—

who you really are.

qubool hai?

Qubool hai

Qubool hai.

Qubool hai.

fevered clarity. 🔥

i feel it

deep in my bones,

a desire to rise from the ashes

to finally live my truth

with my head throbbing,

throat sore,

forehead burning,

i am more conscious of what i am

than i have ever been

a final, ceremonious nudge into utter adulthood is imminent,

and honesty is beginning to percolate

into my soul

i am ready

to finally live my truth

to release my vanity

to relinquish my ego

and the thing is

i can still like myself

in fact, i think i can like myself more

that i can like myself right

that i can like myself independent of everything else

independent of everyone else

for the sake of it,

for the first time.

i can know myself

i can know what I am

the essence of me

independent of external judgements

of anxiety about their thoughts

of inhibitions regarding how I’ll be perceived

because i have this grand opportunity

I have the clarity to see it in all of its glory

i have a chance to wear the cloak of invisibility

i have the right to melt away, to slip into the shadows in whatever fashion i please

to rise anew, if i ever choose to return

i wanna live for myself this time,

i wanna find God.

i wanna enrich my life with the colors of truth

and i know now that i have a right to.

Write. ☀️

so the only thing i’m really sure about is that i wanna have a whole lot of fun this summer

i wanna laugh a lot and learn a lot and write a lot

i wanna breathe easy and forget about all of the anxiety that’s accumulated over the year

because this nausea is all in the brain

and i can change the way i feel if i keep myself busy with art and love

romance is so fucking overrated, it is all fatigue

i wanna feel a different kind of love this summer

i wanna glow from the inside out,

with ambition and determination and an unadulterated desire for self-improvement

i wanna eat healthy and think healthy and make stuff

i wanna foster a need within myself for a different kind of beauty

the kind that never asked for attention

the kind that grows even more consequential in the dark, where no one can see it

i wanna purify my body of poison

i wanna free my mind of insecurity

i wanna meet God this summer, if he’ll have me

i wanna meet myself, somewhere amongst the trees

somewhere amidst the lavender fields,

somewhere where forgiveness grows high into the sky

somewhere i can settle for a little while.

and all the while, i’ll write

i’ll write and i’ll write

i’ll write about whatever i think about

i’ll write it all

yes

i’ll laugh and i’ll think and i’ll live and i’ll meet and i’ll forgive and i’ll settle and

i’ll write

i’ll write it all.

GLORY.

the thing about love is that you can’t bottle it

you can’t concoct or brew it

with ingredients or meticulous thoughts

and the thing about people is that they can hurt your feelings

treat you as they may and not think twice about how you’ll scar

and the thing about friends is that it’s hard to tell which ones really are

about which ones love you and which ones use you, which ones wouldn’t look twice at the wounds that fester

and the thing about life is that it’s unpredictable

things don’t always turn out the way you’d like

and sometimes disappointment is left in the place of desire

and ice sits comfortably where fire once did

because the thing about desire is that it’s deceptive

no one is that perfect, you know that now

and satisfaction hardly exists, you say presence will be enough until you get the kiss

and you say the kiss will be enough until you feel his face, breathing down the nape of your neck

and the thing about you is that you’re fragile

you bend in the direction of your hopes

you break in the face of scrutiny

you wither in the presence of neglect

and the thing about monsters is that they’re always lurking

and they can smell vulnerability

like blood

and the thing is that you are strongest when you love yourself

when your body is your priority

when your blood is your own

when you are free

when you allow your vanity to cease

your mind to be at ease

your heart to be strong

your bond to family and true friends to be at the forefront of it all

and the thing is that this much has always been clear

chin up, darling, you’ve tasted sin

you’ve felt the fingers of desire

inside you

you have learned you are glory, despite it all

and all is not lost,

you have escaped with your sanctity,

your sanity,

your smile,

your blood.

and if anything, vow now

never again to let the blood escape your skin in vain

never to allow a monster near your royal likes again

chin up, GLORY.

Absolution.

sinning tasted like peaches

the ones i knew better than to touch

and now everything that seemed to matter,

is dissolving into nothing-dust.

animalistic desire

i choke on my own lust

warmth of pleasure prepares me for hellfire,

beautiful lies I was stupid enough to trust

because absolution is a mirage,

a funny puzzle on which my mind fixates

I am no more whole now than I ever was

but I’ve hardened, from emerald to jade

I feel more like a woman than I ever have

disenchantment provides me with clarity

I realize that what I really am is ashamed

Ashamed and afraid

of what I’ve been, what I’ve done

of who I am

of who I’m not

of the time I’ve wasted,

chasing dreams and playing with fire

of always prioritizing my ridiculous sentiments and fleeting desires

And I hope, with all my heart, that I’ll be able to change

that I’ll make myself proud and be happy someday

that I’ll like who I am and not look elsewhere for validation

that I’ll be at peace and finally see clearly,

that the kindness and pure intentions of those that matter will one day be more than enough for me.