Heartache

I come so close, it crumbles.

Right back to where I always begin, in pain.

Ripped tendons, torn ligaments,

Inconclusive goodbyes

Nothing I come to love ever seems to end the way I’d like.

I’ll convince myself of anger,

to rid myself of melancholia

I’ll distract myself with words,

to put off the torment I know I feel

everything aches

my body, my soul, my heart

things have gone very wrong

I’ve amassed enough heartache to keep myself writhing for centuries,

and such anguish is born when I realize that it was never meant to be

that I play tricks on my mind just to keep it alive

that I still hold him in my good graces in the deep of the night

that I willingly bleed incessantly, just to emulate the high

that I stand before the mirror and cannot bear to look into my own eyes

For I am shattered, broken, cracked, withered

I am lonely, insecure, timid, unsure

And of the whole person that started, all that remains is a sliver

She was innocent in her ignorance, my knowledge paints me impure

She was confident in herself, I don’t know anymore

She was willing to test limits, I stand frozen in horror

And so I walk away from my desires, heart filled to the brim with pain

I was destined for this ache, I must endure it with grace

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Magic

Put your head down

No kiss?

Wrap myself around you

This is what I wanted, isn’t it?

You’re dangerous

Only nice on the surface, honey

I’ll prick you open like a thorn,

if you touch me

Don’t stop touching, please?

Whatever I want?

I want you to keep going

Keep going, quench me

Keep going, touch me

Keep your fingers scrunched in my hair

Keep me guessing, darling

just like that, you are a mystery

And I’ll always want more

And you know your way around my soul

soft lips, warm arms

comfortable,

blissful

I must’ve known you in another life

this is new, but familiar too

this is magic

but I know it’s fleeting

and maybe that’s why it’s so beautiful

because nothing worth cherishing

ever seems to last longer

than a single, perfect moment

the sort of moment you spend the rest of your life trying to emulate

absolute magic

Greed

Anticipation,

my patience grows thin.

And it’s different this time,

a slow-churned blend of truth and lies,

The hunger, a fire,

a flame that won’t subside.

I am giving more and more of myself

I am testing limits I didn’t dare ponder before

I am tasting the honeyed dew of mutiny,

I am reveling in the forbidden nature of my own pleasure.

And I live in the shadows lately,

where hedonism thrives

I am pompous and arrogant,

I look Satan in the eyes.

And he guides me accordingly,

down the path of the unwise,

where I’m ushered into a madness,

a slippery slope, a slimy ride.