Fragmented Fondness

 

Inconclusive

Fireworks

Blackness happens in explosions

In your eyes, where the magic is born from butterflies

Never healing the pain that comes hand in hand with sentience

 

We are amidst everything

Nothing

All the same

Bumblebees buzzing, carrying messages to the faint-hearted;

Telling them to stay strong during this time of uncertainty.

 

We are not destined for liberation, not in this lifetime

I don’t know how to fall out of love anymore

Not today, I can’t forget you today

 

Your many faces are blurring into each other

But, the same every time

Kaleidoscopic visions roll their eyes at me, chuckling

I never really knew you

Not really

 

Fading, messed everything up because I could

Never said hi to you either

You wouldn’t have liked me very much anyway, I think

It’s all kind of useless I guess

Sadness is necessary, he told me

“Gives life purpose, don’t you think?”

I don’t know

I don’t like the way it feels though

 

Conversations rising up into the air like cigarette smoke

Dip into the ashtray and leave my sighs to cool down there

I’ll want you whether or not it’s good for me

First impressions are hilarious aren’t they?

Sword masters weren’t appealing upon first glance

You were an acquired taste, love

 

Get close enough

Let me scrunch my fingers into your hair

Smile with your soul, boy

With that radiance

That unapologetic candor

All black everything,

No ivory to dilute the darkness was ever found

Except for the soul,

The soul was grey.

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Skewed

There is a disconnect between how things were meant to turn out and the way that they did. Of course, who knew she’d make it this far? She certainly didn’t. She is black to the core, in the most uninteresting way.

She doesn’t know what to make of the life that she didn’t ask for. She doesn’t know how to treat the people who only use her for decoration in their absurd itineraries. Not now, anyway.

The universe was taunting her, and she had given up trying to fight him. “Let him bend me until I break, let him laugh as he may” she resolved.

Everyone. Everything. All of it. None of it made sense. Everything is skewed, it seems. And she is lost. She is at a loss for inspiration, for love, for satisfaction, although there is nothing left to attain (realistically).

But what is reality, anyway? What is it made of? Who does it affect? Could she count herself in?

Because time was swiftly slipping away, and she was wasting it counting stars on the canvas of her own fantasies. She only wanted what she couldn’t have, a specific star. The one that was twisted, bent out of shape, all wrong for her–the one that was furthest away.

She wanted it badly, more than she had ever wanted anything, she wanted it before it went supernova and ceased to be what she fell in love with–although, she might still adore it in the form of stardust, out of sheer respect for what it was.

 

Ma

In my darkest hour you console, 

You hold me, you mold sadness into hope 

Like magic 

You are the light, the warmth, the gaiety 

Amidst these black holes I fashion for myself.

You make me see the good when it’s hardly there,

Teach me about the intricacies of optimism 

About the depths of loyalty and unconditional love

About perseverance and determination 

About how to be strong and soft and stay afloat with unbounded grace.

And I can never be half the woman you are,

Half of that even, 

Or of that even

But I strive to, as you’ve taught me

To make the most of what I have, what I can,

Of who I am 

And I am your daughter 

Your legacy, your blood, your kin.

Ma, 

You are what I picture when I close my eyes 

And imagine joy in the purest form I’ve known it 

You are the strength I know I have when I am faced with adversity and my will is tested 

But Ma,

You are my weakness too 

You are the other half of whatever I am 

So when you ask me to imagine a world without you, 

I can’t.

Because I need you Ma 

Here with me, by my side 

Because when everything gets too scary,

Too difficult to handle,

Only your smile suffices,

Only your embrace calms me,

Only the sound of your voice.

I’d like to thank to you with all of my heart (half of which you carry with you), 

For all that you do, for what you represent, 

For who you are

Because you are absolute love Ma, if I have ever known it.